I share our story through emails written in the midst of walking in the valley of shadows. The rawness of my grief is here…my belief that God is able to heal is here….Many of these emails are written to a large group of people who had committed to pray for us, others to family members are mixed in. As you walk through your dark night,may you see the hope of Christ and hold on to the truth that He is able to heal our hearts. Connie Hayes
David is present with Jesus
“Where,o death is your victory? Where,o death is your sting?” I Corinthians
15:55
This morning David awoke, sent me back to bed to rest, and returned
feeling poorly. He had a small seizure and as the EMT’s arrived he seemed
to be coming out of it. Shortly after they arrived he suffered cardiac
arrest. They worked here at the house,in the ambulance and at the hospital
to revive him,but they were unable to. David was already in the arms of
Christ and not about to leave.
Our hearts are heavy,but not in despair. We have tears missing his
smile,his presence already,but we are not without hope. We know we have
hard days ahead of grief from missing the richness he brought to our day,but
we will have joy. Who David Hayes was and is has not died. He remains
because of Christ.
David was as he put it was ready to have God settle things between them.
He was at total peace and acceptance and He met our Lord this morning
unexpectedly,but totally prepared.
We know that David had a long path ahead of him that could very well have
involved much suffering and I praise God that he swooped in and said
“enough..” I would have preferred it not being as sudden,but David had
battled “the beast” boldly and with dignity. I am glad that God spared us
and him what I knew[from too much Internet] ahead.
David’s eyes give sight to two people and he gave his body to science. He
is not concerned about the shell he lived in,only in the man he believed God
wanted him to be. I however,loved that shell and I will miss him so much
and I will miss the man that God had given me and I look to the day when I
see what God has made him to be–perfect in Christ,refined through the
fire,praising God. David and I spoke together of how our family did not
welcome death at our door,but we also were not afraid of it. Christ removed
that fear the first Easter morning.
Thank you for your prayers. Connie
Greetings,
Interesting enough, today was harder than yesterday. I don’t know why,but this evening I am feeling better. I was looking for pictures that I had up on David’s wall in the hospital back in 03. I remember the cutest one with the little ones and one of him and Jillian sitting on the beach. I found them along with one of my early emails. God used it to really touch my heart in that He called me to carry on in trusting Him. I am reading a book on grief,by a Christian and she points out in the last pages that we have a choice to either be bitter about why did this happen to me, or we can choose to trust God,grieve our missing of them[they are fine],and with that comes healing. Not right away,,it may take a year or longer,but healing will come with trusting God.
I wrote this when David returned from the hospital after having blood clots:
Satan has lost this battle,he lost from the beginning because regardless of the outcome we would not turn our face from Him who loves us. I know that there was something going on within the heavenly realms and what it was we may never know. Like Job, we do not need to know other than trust Him who loves us and gave His own life for us. We can only learn from what He chooses to reveal to us and live our lives continuing to seek Him and to know Him. To grow in our relationship with Him so that we in the end can kneel before Him and hear Him say,”Well done,my good and faithful servant”
When I read those words God just spoke to me and I know that I still do not need to know what went on in the heavenly realms..I just need to trust Him and learn from what He chooses to reveal to me now. I would prefer to know it all now, but then what is faith and trust if you have everything laid neatly before you?
Satan lost this battle…and we will celebrate next Sunday the fact that he lost the war!! I know in the days to come I will write you all with good days and bad days…days filled with tears and grief because I am missing a daily blessing without David,but God will also show Himself to me in new and creative ways. He will love me through this and I can trust Him to heal my heart…however long it takes. Praise God for the power of Eternal Life that I only have joy for David himself. Love you all, I leave for NC on Tuesday, Tomorrow is the big day for Social Security…I am not dreading it,although I am not looking forward to it either.
Love you all, One moment at a time,one day at a time in His hand, Connie
Greetings,
“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son,that
whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”John
3:16
I have had requests to know how we are doing in David’s absence.
We have been overwhelmed with love and compassion from all around us. The People we do not even know have sent us cards and emails and
those who do know us have showered us with so much support.
family of God is incredible.
The kids,well the kids miss their father terribly–each was close
to him in their own way and each grieve for him uniquely. David’s
concern was mainly for them. He did not want to loose them
spiritually in his departure and he spoke to them before he died of
God’s ability to walk through this with them. He assured them that
God was bigger than he was and that they could trust Him. He was
able to let them know that he did not want to leave them and that
his love for them would continue in heaven. Now I have the ball and
I don’t want to drop it for David or the kids. With each episode of
grief I attempt to walk through it with them trying to help them
understand what they are feeling,why they are feeling it,and that it
is okay to feel it. In true Davie form,he wanted them to have
counseling so they could also have someone to talk to without
worrying about upsetting me. We meet with someone tomorrow.
I also miss David terribly. Every morning I inform God that I
cannot go through this day without David. Every morning God informs
me that I indeed will get through this day with His help. Every
night God comes in and insist that I praise Him and every night I
insist that I am not in the mood to do that. Still, He presists and
each night I comply and through the praise He gives me peace.
I have much to praise God for,as He has pointed out. Now when my
heart becomes overwhelmed during the day–He brings praise to my
lips and the tears slow and a smile comes to my lips. God calls me
to praise Him for who He is, He calls me to praise Him for the
person he made in David Hayes. For giving me a husband who loved me
so dearly and who never wounded my spirit. He calls me to praise Him
for making David into the father that he was that loved his children
and fathered them to the very end–playing and interacting with
them,but also correcting and challenging them. He calls me to praise
Him for all the sweet memories I have and how after 23 years of
marriage my memories are indeed sweet. He calls me to praise Him for
how He gave David and I the opportunity to have nothing left unsaid
between us. Most of all,He calls me to praise Him for the life
that David now lives at the feet of Jesus and to share in David’s
joy.
I know we have a hard year ahead of us because it is a year of
firsts without David. I don’t look forward to this year,but I am
assured that God will surround us with Himself and show Himself to
us in new and unique ways. I am confident that He will bring us
through.
Our family looks forward to Easter. We will miss making up a Easter basket for Davie and dying Easter eggs with him. Easter
however means everything to me this year because God has shown me
the power in Eternal life. It is not whimsical or fairly tale like.
I can tell the children with assurance and confidence that their
father lives because Christ smashed death and won. There is power in
Eternal life,there is power in the truth that David lives in
heaven[present tense].
When David was in radiation, I was driving and God showed me
David standing along with others,his hands raised and praising God
and I walked up to him and touched his arm. I was so happy to see
him and I called out “David!”. David turned and looked at me,smiled
and answered “Oh, there you are ” He then turned back to praise
God. God quietly spoke to me that day. He showed me how my view of
heaven was mixed up with the worlds and how in heaven we are not
bound to time. The bible tells us that a thousand years is like a
day to God and when I see David again it will be to David as if he
only arrived a moment before me. David is not in heaven waiting to
see me, I have to wait to see him. That day I choose to believe
what God had shown me was for someone else,but the reality was that
it was for me and God was trying to prepare me even then. Because
of eternal life,right now David does [present tense] stand at the
feet of God and praise Him. My prayer for you this Easter!
is that you will know the power of eternal life that comes only
with forgiveness at the cross and victory at the tomb. In him that
gives us true hope, Connie
” I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will
live,even though he dies and whoever lives and believes in me will
never die. Do you believe this” John 11:25
Greetings,
Mom,as always God smiles on you. You are transparent with Him and others. You do not pretend to be something you are not. You are genuine in your love for Him and He smiles on you. He knows of your love for Him and I think He never minds your questions because He already knows which way they will lead. Like King David of old, they always lead back to the Holiness and Love of God. Questioning and crying out to Him that you don’t understand and How can this in any way work together for good? All those moanings and questions don’t phase God because your face is turned TO Him crying out,,,,pleading with Him to help you understand, You and He both know that when He speaks and answers you, your face will fall in prayer of repentance,acceptance and awe. He in turn will gently touch your chin and bring it back up to His and He will smile,because No, you will not turn from him, NOT TODAY.
I think I shared this with you before,but hey, I can’t remember, I was telling Jane that I was looking back on the emails that came in right after David died and I can’t remember reading any of them. Strange what the mind can handle.
Anyway, I think I shared this with you…one night when David and I were talking after the surgery, I asked him.”Doesn’t if seem to you like Satan stands at the Throne of God and mocks Him saying..”now watch them,watch them turn from you..There is too much confusion now and they cannot understand anything that is happening….they will turn from you.” I was crying and shaking my head no we would not do that. David nodded and sat forward in his chair and answered softly and firmly “No, not today, not today”
I cry out, I beg for wisdom at Jillian’s cries, Matthew nightmares, Nathan’s red faced stare,and Alicia’s big tears that roll softly down her cheeks. I yell out to Him, ” I can’t understand this!! I stood outside my car today and just sobbed after leaving the Christian Bookstore because all I could think was how he would like this book or that book…and how much I missed him and how much I loved him.
Yet in all those moments, He does not watch from far off. He is there and He answers me ” I will give you wisdom and I know watching them hurt breaks your heart,it breaks mine even more, I know you can’t understand this, your right you can’t understand this..it would blow your earthly mind,but you don’t have to…just hang on Connie, hang on… fight for joy. .I will heal your heart…”
I too Mom, will lift my fact toward Christ and call out,and I may lower it in repentance and in acceptance and in awe,but He will touch my chin and lift it back up to His face and smile gently,because in this walk of faith with Him, He minds no questions from us as long as our face is looking to Him for the answers…as long as the tears flow onto His shoulders…as long as the frustration ends in a whisper of I choose you….
I can still see David clear as day leaning forward in that chair and softly saying.”Not today” You have said the same to God and I join you both in agreement..”Not today” Love you, Mom, Connie
WIth Hope
Greetings,
“Brothers,we do not want you to…grieve like the rest of men who have no hope” 1 Thessalonians 4:13
We made it through our first month a moment at a time,one day at a time ,in His hand. Thank you all for all your prayers and for all your care during this past year and a half and especially now. David had wanted to write you all personally in the next few months and I will attempt to do so. {Notice the word attempt.}
The kids are working through their grief as individuals and as a family. Each one shows their grief differently and each one misses their father for different reasons,although they all miss his ability to lighten a situation. David had shared with them that God is bigger than him and that although he was leaving them,God would never leave them.
Thank you for your concern for my family and our future. My mom tells people how I am by sharing the story of how the kids and I were heading out to run errands and Alicia asked me “Mom are you going out like that?” “Of course,I look fine” I answered back..after all that day I had remembered to brush my teeth!! Alicia gave me a strange look and I looked down to see that I was all dressed except that I had left on my pj bottoms. Needless to say,although it is the style, I changed.
Listening to advice, I have determined that as a family we need to work through our grief and I will not be making any major decisions about a move,work,school,or any of the like for six months. At that time I will begin to pray about where God would have us be. David and I had discussed this during one of our late night talks and all he asked was that I pray for at least two months or until I hear God’s voice before I do anything. I/we need to be where God wants us to be and right now the fog is a little too thick to pray on such important matters. After that is determined I will begin to pray on what God would have me personally do. I am secure in the knowledge that God has a plan and a purpose for my life. He will reveal it to me with time.
In the meantime, I embrace grief,but fight for joy. To me this means that although I cannot control grief,as far as when it will hit,how long it will stay, and the intensity of it, I can control my response to grief. I will never be the same Connie that I was on July 31,2003 before this journey began,the question then is who will I be when I finally come out of the valley of grief. I know who I do not want to be,,I do not want to be bitter,resentful,angry,and full of unresolved questions. So, I fight for joy. When the grief rolls over me,I embrace it as part of what is needed to heal,while crying out to God for healing,to praise Him,and to speak the truth. Trusting God may have seemed hard to be in the past 18 months and it may seem hard now,but when I peek down the opposite road it looks dark,cloudy,and foreboding. I know it is not a road I want to go down and in spite of everything I am safe and protected here with God.
So through my tears I choose to grieve as one with hope. Each night,He gives me new hopes and I record them. Each night,He calls me to praise Him. Each night He calls me to speak what I know to be truth,truth that is not changing,but solid and secure.
My Hope tonight is that He has been there and He is here in the journey, I hope in the truth that He shares my grief and comforts me,and I can be certain of His love for me. There is hope because what I can’t see and what I can’t understand,He will reveal to me in a moment when I enter eternity. I hope in the certainty of His love for me. God continues to call me to share in David’s joy and to be happy for him,but He allows me to miss him. My hope for you, is that you also share in the Hope that is Christ Jesus. Connie
Alicia has a website set up for David and she would like to share it with you. The address is->www.freewebs.com/daddysgrl4eva Thanks, Connie
“It is possible to stand on the cusp of our very worst fears,endure the nightmare of their coming true,and find that on the other side we have been transformed rather than destroyed.” Richard Felix [Author of The School of Dying Graces]>
Greetings,
> ” Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love for I have put my trust
in you.Show me the way I should go,for to you I lift up my soul.” Psalm 143:8
> As we enter into spring I just wanted to write and say thank you for all your
prayers. I have actually started to write people individually and if you are one of those
two people then you know this to be true,for the others,I continue to attempt to do
this.{again notice the word attempt].
> People continue to ask how we are and continue to pray for us. Thank you. Others
have asked what they can do for us. I know that saying you can pray seems like I am
begging the question,but I am not. You can pray for us. You can think about us and
remember David and smile and hold us up to The Lord. So pray for us. We know that we are
being prayed for and we know this gets us through many a day. Thank you for these
prayers.
> As far as how we are doing goes…we have entered what I call the period of
“the great missing”. Everything around us reminds us of David.
Sights,sounds,smells,when you expect it and when you least expect it. As I wait on God to
heal my heart, I know “the great missing” we turn into a sweet remembrance.
> The kids are back to doing school work,school activities,and sports. I believe
the knowledge not only that David is safely in heaven,but the security they felt in his
love for them helps them. They continue in counseling and they look forward to their time
there. My goal this month is to return to a real bedtime and devotional time. They miss
David,but I count on God healing their hearts as well.
> There are times that I look at our kids and I shout out to God, “You cannot
expect me to raise them by myself!!” He calmly replies. ” I never said you
could, I’m here” When I ponder all the decisions that I must make at some point in
the next year, I shout to God “You cannot expect me to be this wise!!’ He calmly
replies, “I give wisdom to anyone who asks of me” I have nights that are now
filled with the emptiness that once was David and I shout to God,” We were suppose to
grow old together…I hate being alone” and God calmly replies “You are not
alone,I will never leave you”
> Grief for me is not a emotion,it is an experience filled with emotions. I was
familiar with grief,we all are to some degree. In December,grief came and stood behind
Death as he waited in a corner to be called. I saw him poke out his head from time to
time, as I cried out to God in those three months to save David’s life. The face of my
grief reminds me of a night right before day. My grief is not totally dark,but more of a
gray. The promise of morning when my heart will be healed waits,but it will come. I
strain my eyes to the east and look for the daybreak. I see hints of it and am assured
that it will come. When it comes, it will come with all the beauty of a sunrise and our
family will walk into a new day.
> Still God calls on me to praise Him. We continue to have much to praise Him for.
In the midst of “the great missing” there is laughter in our home, we look for
ways to celebrate life, as David taught us, and when the grief comes we continue to
embrace it so that we can work towards healing.
> As I grieve as one WITH hope,I praise God that heaven replaces the pain and
suffering we have experienced here with pure joy,peace,and happiness. It is not just the
absence of the bad things of this earth,but the presence of all that is holy,thrilling and
good,the very presence of Jesus Christ. This hope is a reality for David now and knowing
this brings me peace. I grieve WITH hope,knowing that the sunrise will come,along with
the day and my heart will heal. I do not need to rush it,nor “make” it happen,
God will heal my heart in His time. The bible says Faith is being sure of what we hope
for and certain of what we do not see[Hebrews 11:1] With faith and hope there is joy.
May you experience this spring,with faith the hope and joy that is Christ.
> Looking to the east, Connie >
Greetings.
We had a busy day and I am very tired, I get tired very easily now and I know it is grief and I will find energy,in fact today was the first day ever I can remember being actually hungry. Still no weight loss,but hey…
Alicia has not eaten since twelve midnight and she is one unhappy little girl,but she is doing really well. She is doing the 30 hour famine for world hunger through World Vision and tonight they have a lock-in at the church and I pick her up at eight. They all eat at six a.me. I hope she is okay. I am a little nervous because even though she is not a twig,she has a delicate constitution. Of course mommy is a little more nervous because of the grief. They are allowed to drink milk,soda[no caffeine],and juice. Our neighbors were riding in the street on their bikes and Nathan was begging to do it since one of those is a little girl. Needless to say the answer remained NO.
I had to write though because last night I had a dream. It was so vivid. I woke up and sat up straight in bed. Today in the car God brought the dream back to my mind. David was walking towards me and although I recognized him immediately, he looked different. He was David,there was no doubt of that,but ,,,,he was different,yet without a doubt David. He was strong,vibrant,healthy,and very happy. It was not the David from our youth, he was all David,but different. He said “Look who I just came across!” Another man came walking towards me and he was the same as David, youthful,strong,healthy,and very happy. I recognized him immediately too. He looked different,but who he was. It was Fred,my friend’s husband. He was ready to greet me,when my mind began to argue with my dream and I told myself. “No, I can’t be seeing them, they are dead” I woke up and as I said, sat straight up. It was so vivid. In the van,God brought the dream back…he brought to mind how I could recognized them although they did look different and as I pondered it I suddenly shouted out in the van.”GOD YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT AND I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!”
The older kids were gone,but I forgot I had Matt and Jillian. “Mom” Matt asked me ” Missing Daddy is freaking you out?” I assured him that I was alright. I wrote to share it with [Fred’s wife]. As I wrote, it was as if a light bulb went on over my head. That was it….they had an aura to them. It was as if joy was no longer an emotion but a physical presence. What I saw in them was the joy of Christ Jesus!!! .It was as if they looked new even though they were adult in their appearance. What I experienced on Weds, was as if I had seen a glimpse out of the corner of my eye. It’s like catching a glimpse of something. I could not focus on it and my eyes could not catch it completely,but it was the pure joy of Christ. I have been thinking of sharing in David’s joy as a matter of the mind,from what I know doctrinally. God has been saying to me…..David’s joy is a matter of the heart. Love you all, My grief WITH hope tonight is the future joy that awaits us who hope in Christ. Connie
Greetings,
“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you
> may have peace. In the world you will have
> tribulation:but be of good cheer, I have overcome
> the world.” John 16:33
> I am still officially on our summer tour of
> healing…my new name for our travels this spring
> and summer. I appreciate all the concern for our
> family. I am still in the process of writing each
> person who has emailed David or I over the course of
> our two year journey,but it is slow due to the
> emotional nature of it. Sometime in the next two
> years you should hear from me.:)
> We spent a quick week-end visiting the church
> David grew up in and that we were in as young
> married babies this spring. It was so good to see
> everyone and to see the church growing and doing
> well. From there we headed to ND/MN for three
> weeks–a quick stop in IL to see my brother–home to
> NJ–and now we are in NC. Our time in ND/MN was one
> of rest and catching up with family and friends.
> There is nothing quiet as peaceful as driving and
> looking over an open field and sky.
> Although it seems as if we are running to and fro
> and it appears that way because we are…it is with
> purpose. Whether we are in NJ or ND or
> NC…spending time with friends and family is
> healing for us as we surround ourselves with people
> who love and care for us.
> The kids and I continue to work towards healing
> and adjusting to our different life. The kids have
> days in which they struggle with their feelings and
> emotions that come with missing their father. They
> each continue to grieve in their own unique way.
> Tomorrow brings us to our two year mark in our
> family’s journey. I have called this our journey
> although you all have walked with us in it and I
> thank you for that. I find it hard to concentrate
> as the day grows nearer as my mind is flooded with
> memories–some painful–but the majority of thoughts
> are of Jesus– His presence, His touch, His love for
> us during those days, weeks,months,and year that
> lead up to David’s entrance into heaven. Again and
> Again I thank you for your prayers for us. How God
> moves and touches our lives through our prayers I do
> not think I still comprehend. If I did,I would
> probably do as the bible says and pray without
> ceasing.
> David’s part in this journey of course is
> finished. He stands thrilled, filled with joy in
> the physical presence of Jesus. As I have sought to
> understand his death and what it means for our
> family–[since I am not thrilled ] God continues to
> bring me back to a life that was spent serving Him.
> To a man who never forgot what it was like to be
> forgiven. To have hate replaced in his heart with
> love.
> David was not perfect,but his God is. As I
> prepare to make this memory book for my children, I
> see the different inheritances their father left
> them. Ones that do not diminish with time and are
> safe in heaven. As I think on the life of
> David–what he enjoyed, his humor,his family,his
> integrity, his work—I find the core of David in
> sermon notes he left behind.[Ironically one on
> grief–I came across it on one of my hardest days of
> grief, a sweet gift from God–it touched me then but
> God brought it back to me in these last few weeks
> again]
> I say this about my sweetie,David had his
> struggles,frustrations,failures, and trials in his
> life. He would have me say again he was not
> perfect. I have seen though at reflecting on his
> life that at each crises point he faced., He chose
> God..he chose hope over despair, forgiveness over
> bitterness, love over hate, and in the end the
> celebration of life over death. My children can
> look and see a life to be proud of in one that was
> spent in the humble service of others and care for
> those least in our society.
> In David’s sermon notes he speaks of us grieving
> with perspective. It is the last of three points
> [yes, a three point sermon] It is the perspective
> that the gospel our loved ones lived for:lives on.
> God has struck my heart with those words as I ponder
> David’s life. All that David did to the eyes of us
> around him,was for the gospel of Jesus Christ. His
> good works, his kindness, his gentle spirit, all
> things that I love about him were wrapped up not in
> him..but in Christ. As David passed through that
> threshold of death and into life, he left behind for
> his children a love for a gospel that will never
> die.
> The Gospel that David lived for:lives on.
> God gently speaks to me that our lives are to be
> about Jesus and I praise God that David spent his
> life on a journey that did not begin on August
> 1st,2003, but long before as a young man reaching
> out for peace and hope to a God that gave him that
> and so much more. How it must thrill David at this
> very moment to know that what he loved most here on
> earth goes on without him.
> My journey continues, I can rest in that
> assurance of a gospel,of good news that never grows
> old,that never tires, that never dies. I can speak
> confidently of Him who has always been and will
> always be.
> May you enjoy the rest of your summer. With hope,
> expectancy,and perspective, Connie>
Greetings,
The kids have crashed and I am wide awake even though I should be exhausted at almost two am. I will go to bed as soon as I finish this. I am really glad we did this beach visit the week before the one with the mission. I did not expect it to be as hard as it was and there were times that I could almost not bear it, I missed him so badly. I lived through the day and night and the kids had a great time. We arrived at the beach around noon and swam for almost two hours, then we went to the waterpark and played for almost four hours and then we ate pizza and played on the boardwalk until eleven something.
Jillian at first would not even go near the waves but by the end I was trying to keep her from getting in to deep. Matthew loves the water–the little fish so it was harder to watch him. They just had the best time and the waterpark was really,really nice and we all went on these little tubes where even Jillian was laid back and relaxed. On the boardwalk Christine had bought books of tickets so it was unlimited rides,unlike being with mean mom who tells them how many rides and that is that. Jillian thought she was going to ride every color motorcycle. Matthew went on all the little kid roller coasters. He is going to be a dare devil when he is older and you would not think it.
So, now everyone is out cold out after all that fun along with ice-cream, pizza, and McDonalds.
As hard as it was, I knew God was there today. Sometimes He may seem silent,although He is never, but today I heard Him loud and clear. Beside the reminder of how my grief is like the waves…I noticed at the water park how content my little ones played…they were just oblivious to the world around them, they were busy, and playing,but the moment they were in trouble [too much water in the eyes, or they could not see me] they would panic and start running around looking for me. All the while, I saw them. I had not taken my eyes off of them,but even in their distress at times they could not find me…the park noises were so loud along with the water that they could not hear my voice call out to them, but finally they would find me–get what they needed from me and be back on their way again unaware that my eyes never left them. How God is like that with me….I go about my daily business and His eyes are ever on me, even when He is far from my thoughts….He is ever diligent. The moment I need Him, either life becomes to hard or I just want Him…I begin to look and call out to Him,but sometimes it seems I cannot find Him….I can’t hear Him call for me because my circumstances are too loud, or my thoughts are too focused on my needs….but He is there and He calls out and He comes to me. I too get what I need from Him, comfort, peace,joy, a word and then I am off…but still He continues…..His eyes ever on me. In that park, with the water crashing around me, kids screaming, parents yelling, and whistles blowing….God spoke so sweetly to me….I am here….no matter your awareness of me or not….
So tonight I grieve with Hope in Him who ever watches over me….and like my children what I feel for them as they look for me is only to get them to see me….to know I am there….I know God feels the same only even more intensely. When I call out in distress, He wants me to know that He is there. His eyes never leave me and as He watches it is with the tenderness of a Father watching His child. In Christ, Connie
Greetings,
> For God so loved the world that He gave His only
> son that whoever believes in Him will not perish,but
> have eternal life. John 3:16
> This note was going to be about how we met our
> six month mark of David’s death. However, instead
> I am writing to ask for prayer for our family yet
> again because Papa [David’s father} has joined him
> in eternity leaving us stunned. He was in Walmart
> and died of a massive heart attack. Please hold us
> up as we face yet another good-bye.
> Papa was from the first moment I met him so very
> good to me. He always treated me as if I was his
> daughter. He was generous,good natured, and it was
> usually me and Papa facing off with David and Mom on
> any given idea or plan…..we usually lost,but hey
> we were a team. I was counting on him to ease the
> pain of David’s death in my children’s lives and now
> we deal with the pain of his death.
> In the midst of all of this, I am tired,weary,
> and stunned. As I close my eyes I remember…I can
> hear my sweetie say….what is it you know to be
> true..speak the truth…..and so I speak the truth,
> knowing that it shatters the darkness and sweeps
> away despair. The truth is that God does not need
> me to defend Him and my attempts would be weak at
> best. Mom and I know the truth, we know His name
> and it is Jesus. In this truth our family stands
> and says that God is love and in Him there is no
> shifting shadow. He loves our family and holds us
> dear to His heart. He is in control of this
> situation and we are reminded again that our
> circumstances must be always weighed against John
> 3:16. I do not like our circumstances,but they
> will not dictate God’s character to us. Instead as
> when Jillian was overwhelmed she used to hold on to
> David leg.. David would reach down and pick her up
> letting her know she was safe with him…because he
> was daddy……we hold on to God and knowing His
> character means we can count on Him to pick us up
> and keep us safe through this time of
> loss….because He is our Dad.
> Please hold us up. Thank you for your
> prayers…Connie
Greetings, ” When I said, ” My foot is slipping” your,love O Lord,supported me. When anxiety was great within me,your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:18-19
The kids and I have been back from NC for around a month now following Papa’s death. We arrived home to a flooded basement, school, and numerous life activities. I am just now catching my breath.
The kids are doing okay. They have gone back some in their grief journey,but that is to be expected considering the loss of their grandfather to whom they were very close. As I watch them and consider what they have been through,I want to try to protect them from anymore pain in their life. I realize that this would be fruitless [not to mention unhealthy] and I see instead God teaching them that He is their place of protection and that He loves them.
I would ask your prayers for the days and weeks ahead. Our family faces a long two months. In the midst of all, God has brought me great comfort in the fall. David loved the fall. It was his favorite season , he loved the quiet of the fall as people settle into schedules and he loved the reflective atmosphere it brought. Those of you who knew David well, knew he loved to reflect. Fall of course was followed by his favorite holiday-Thanksgiving. He appreciated the fact that there was little hype to the season [under-rated he called it] and that we as believers and as a country stopped and quieted our hearts to be thankful to God for what we have.
I was driving and watching the leaves blow around me. My thoughts were only of David and of all the days ahead of me that would remind me of David’s suffering. My heart was struck by all he went through and all the painful anniversaries I face from the day he told me that he could not seem to concentrate anymore until the day we sat hearing our beloved surgeon tell us that David only had a short time left on this earth. I wondered out loud to The Lord what I was going to do, how I was going to make it through this holiday season and all these painful dates. God answered with immediate calm and He called me to thank Him. I was not eager to do this as I pointed out to Him all that David had suffered and all that I had to face in the next weeks and months. I thought He was asking too much to ask. His only answer was to Thank Him. I agreed grudgingly and I started out giving God simple and short answers as one who was made to say thank you.[l admit it, I acted like my four year old] As I went on though, He brought so much to my mind that soon, my heart matched my words and I was thankful. From thanks came praise and with the praise He poured out joy and peace.
I found myself thanking Him for doctors that cared about us. I have heard many stories since then and God surrounded us with not only excellent doctors,but doctors and nurses that really cared about David and our family. I thank God for them and for giving them to us. I thank God for all those who came along beside us and walked and prayed through those dark days. Some of you we do not even personally know, yet you prayed for us ! Thank you. Then He brought my heart to praise, because He spoke to me of Himself. Of His goodness to me during those days. How He moved and held me up . How He spoke quietly to my heart and brought me peace and calm. I praise Him for His faithfulness to me and to my family and to David. He touched David in a way that I still do not understand. What He assured David of or showed David I do not know,but He touched him and with that touch David set the tone in our home for how we would face death and how I would face grief.
As I drove the tears changed from tears of frustration and anxiety to tears of joy..[you all should be afraid that I was driving in all this] I thanked Him for walking through last Thanksgiving and Christmas with us and I thanked Him for what I have now. I have four voices that fill this house each day and that is only the beginning of what He has given me.
As we face Thanksgiving this year, I know it will be difficult,but I also know that in the midst of our great missing of David and Papa it will be one covered in praise and thanks. Please hold us up this season. I ask that you pray that God will give us joy on that day and on all days that the memories may sting. Pray that our children have a Happy Thanksgiving. They know this was David’s holiday. They are aware that as David called us to celebrate life that God calls us now to embrace and to see the sweetness and goodness in what is a gift from Him– a life lived in Him. I don’t expect my children to have a tear free holiday. What I do know is that God alone gives real joy and I pray that we [and Mom Hayes] experience a season of comfort, peace, thankfulness, and joy. His joy. His peace. Only He can give us what we need this month and I know that He will bring comfort, calm, peace, joy, and laughter to our days.
May you have a Happy Thanksgiving and experience His joy and peace this month. In Christ, Connie
Merry Christmas,
” And she will have a Son,and you are to name him Jesus,for He will save His people from their sins.” Matthew 1:21
Thank you for your prayers over Thanksgiving. God came in and gave our family grace and joy in the midst of it. We had a good Thanksgiving and I know that it only came from Him.
Now we stand in the midst of the season. Alicia asked me today if I did not wonder if the season itself was going to be harder than the actual day of Christmas Eve. I told her that I did not know,but we could only walk through each day as it comes. The kids continue to work through their missing of David and of course Christmas is difficult for them as well.
I myself listen to the music and watch people as they seek to celebrate. At times it is as if I am watching Christmas as an observer this year, but then The Baby calls me to Himself. He whispers to me to continue to trust Him and to celebrate His birth. He reminds me how He came to us–to me because I could not get to Him. Christmas is the beginning of Easter. One cannot be without the other. He gently guides me to cherish the Christmas of the past, as a child with my grandparents,my mother, as a married women with a husband by my side and as young mother with small children. Even this Christmas our first without Davie will be one to cherish not only because of the Christmas I see in my small children’s eyes but because Jesus will meet us that day.
Continue to hold our family up. I don’t pretend that the next few weeks will be easy. I hold to the truth that Jesus will meet us this Christmas,the days before it, and the days after it. I look for how He will touch us, what He will show us, and I anticipate the joy that He alone will bring when I least expect it. This has been a hard year for our family, but we have not faced it alone. I thank you for your prayers,your cards, and your letters. I still have not answered everyone, so please be patient with me,but your encouragement has meant more than I can ever express. I praise God because of how He has walked through some very long and dark days with me. I praise Him because He has shown me that He never wavers, He never falters, and He promises me that He will heal my heart. In Him there is hope. May your hear the Baby call you this Christmas and allow Him to whisper truth heart. into your heart.
” The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of man and His compulsion is our liberation.” CS Lewis Connie
Greetings,
So, I walked through my first Christmas without my sweetie. It was
hard,but I am glad that I determined not to dread,since God met me in my
moment,hour,and day that I needed Him. Christmas Eve was the hardest.
Partly because of it being my birthday. I still cannot fathom having to
go on without him. He always took care of my birthday and it was
difficult. Of course Mom and the kids had something for me and then
there were the calls and my friend Christine sent me flowers,which was
really unexpected. We remembered David and we spoke of our blessings
God had given us this year over dinner. We did not have much to do
during Christmas Eve itself,because it turned out that both Mom and I
were in not much mood to wrap. However,they each received a few gifts
one being from David. I opened my birthday presents and we read a book
about St. Nick. They had a ton then on Christmas morning and we looked
and awed at everything and set off to Church. Christmas Eve night I had
read..” Church was beautiful…the only place to be on His
birthday…during the service they spoke of what we could give Jesus
this Birthday…They offered suggestions through the message of
faithfulness,praise,and commitments with tears I wrote my gift on the
paper and it was put in the box…He met me there with peace and joy
that would continue through the day. We enjoyed being with Mom’s sister
and ate way too much. Last night as I laid in the bed with the
toddlers[trying to get them to fall asleep so I could call you back,
Jane.] praying about the days and thanking God for walking through it
with me with peace and joy,still I had looked for something that would
really draw my attention and as I shared this with God,,He gave me a
verse..”She will give birth to a Son and He will be called
Immanuel[meaning God is with us]” Matthew 1:23. His voice sounded
through my heart..” I was with You ” I fell asleep and so I did not call
you back Jane,but I woke at different times through the night
hearing…I was with you. This morning…as we have rested and I have
thought about the words..He showed me….I will always be with you…I
came to be with you,I died to be with you,I rose to be with you. I will
be with you…I may show you my presence in a marvelous way, I may
whisper my presence to you, I may overflow you with peace,or joy. I may
bring you provision or I may be with you silently asking you to trust my
presence,but I will be with you. That is why I came. So, here I am the
day after Christmas unsure of my life ahead,but again reminded that
there is such a future and a hope because He is with me…and David
resounds from heaven…celebrate life in Him, Connie…He is with you.
Love you all, Connie
Greetings,
As I write the kids are all asleep. Thank you for praying us through Christmas. As we walked through the season and the day itself, as hard as it was there was joy and there was God. It was not the joy this earth offers,but peace and contentment that only can come from Him. I pray that you all enjoyed the celebration of His birth.
I would continue to ask for your prayers in the next few months. I was not prepared for all the memories of his last few months that would come flooding my mind and weighing on my heart. Those memories are mixed as I remember all he went through and yet at the same time the peace he had and the assurances of our welfare still move me and show me an amazing God. As we approach the anniversary of His passing over the threshold,please hold us up.
For all those who have wondered what is in store for The Hayes, I am waiting to begin praying about our situation until after the year anniversary. I am praying for a clear word and clear mind to hear what He wants us to do. The kids are alright. Each one has different needs in their grief and miss David for different reasons. Nathan of course misses David as he watches his father’s Redskins move ahead in the Playoffs. Alicia misses David as she went to Narnia and wonders what he would have thought of the movie since He was a movie buff. The two small ones just miss him. We actually will be starting our memory book this month…so you last few who have told me you have something coming—send it on. For all who sent pictures–thank you..they are like a treasure that has been found.
As I enter the New Year, I am so thankful for the little snores that I hear even as I write this. I am also thankful for your prayers and care for us. I do not know what this year will hold for me or my family. I look to the New Year with Hope. It is in Him that I am confident. As I look back on the past two and 1/2 years— I see God reaching out to me in such creative ways…I see hope as I look at a small church through the mist– I see light flooding through very dark clouds, with the words resounding through me..David’s alive, He’s with me—I see His hand as He touches my face with the breeze as I wait for news, and I see joy that cannot be described in the midst of great sorrow and tears, I see peace in the face of death, I see God guarding us fiercely with a love that confounds our hearts and minds. As I look forward, I hear God calling me…He calls me to trust Him, to trust Him for a future for my children and for myself, He calls me to chose life, He calls me to joy and He calls me to rest in His love. He whispers to me that He has been faithful to David, to me, to my children, and our family. His hand, His touch is all around me. This year, may you hear His voice and see His hand in your life in new and creative ways. Happy New Year, Connie
–
Subject: Join Us in Celebration
Greetings,
” You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!” Psalm 30-11-12
As I sit and write we are being pounded by a snow storm that David Hayes would have loved. If it made us stop, he loved it. He did not mind shoveling it, I however do. I am thankful that I have good neighbors that will do most of it and then Nathan and I will tackle the rest,but 20 some inches of snow is a little much for an 11 year old, although I can see him out there gleefully shoveling.
Thank you for your prayers. January proved to be a hard month. I was warned by others that it would be as we approach the anniversary date of David’s entrance into glory. Although my memories have been mixed with memories of his suffering along with sweet memories of David’s humor in the midst of it all and his amazing touch from God that left him with such peace.
David, to any of those who knew him, would not have classified him as happy go lucky. Yet, in our married life whenever we were faced with crises or trouble, I would ask him what we were going to do [usually, I did not ask this question calmly] and he would respond ” we are going to reaffirm life” and that is what we would do, in the simplest of ways..a dinner out…a walk to the park..the mall or watching a movie together. It should not have surprised me then when the doctor gave us the news and he responded by taking me out to eat and informing me that we were going to spend the remaining days celebrating life.
In light of this, I was praying and asking the Lord how I was to meet this day. It was looming over me —and I have found that it is easier to meet the days then let them over take you. As I prayed He responded immediately ” You will celebrate it” I knew that He had the wrong room–but He said He did not. I could hear David’s voice asking me as he did all those times during his illness..” do we really believe what we say we believe? ” I again called out that God was asking too much of me…and yet..the response remained the same..” You will celebrate.”
So, I will celebrate. I will celebrate for these reasons…I will celebrate because David loved life. He loved the simple things that bring joy and he appreciated time with friends and family. He enjoyed watching baseball and a good football game..[this usually involved the Redskins beating Dallas,but I digress]. He loved nothing more than a good discussion with a friend over a political or a theological issue. He loved being challenged and he loved challenging those around him.[ I was not excluded from this] He loved his children and he found them amusing at the very times that I was ready to send them off to military school. He found me amusing at those times as well.
I will celebrate March 2nd because David showed me how to embrace life in the hardest of times. He faced difficult times in his life as we all do. ..He stood at each fork in the road in his life and he after he had struggled with his decision[and at times with God]..he always chose God…with it he chose to forgive others, he chose to trust God when it did not make sense, He chose to own his own sin and mistakes…and God never failed to respond as well,by adding wisdom and discernment to David.
I will celebrate most of all the day that David left us,because although I miss his touch and his words more than anyone can imagine…I hear his voice. I hear him saying…” March 2nd was the best day of my life…because I went to be in His presence” David Hayes’ life was only an outpouring of what was in Him, Christ Jesus. As a believer, David sought to live out his life serving God and running the race set before him. David won the race and he finished well. As he is now in the very presence of God, I accept this truth…that the death of a believer is the culmination of God’s redemption of man. He seeks to give us life here on earth, and the healing of our souls. He gives light in the darkness and hope to those in despair. He offers us eternal and abundant lives that come only from knowing Him. David never forgot what it was like to be forgiven. As David stood nose to nose with death,he saw the power in Christ’s death and resurrection. He saw that death had no power. On March 2nd, David passed over the threshold and death fell transparent at Christ’s feet as he was embraced by Jesus, Himself .
The children and I have marked March 2nd as David’s celebration day. They understand that this does not mean that they cannot miss their father nor grieve him on that day. It does not mean that we will not have tears on this day…it does mean that we chose as a family to celebrate the life of David Hayes, the life that was on this earth and the life he now lives. I chose to celebrate the life and hope that Christ gives me. We ask you as a family, to join us. In memory of David –on that day at some point find someway to celebrate life. Whether you have dinner out or a quiet dinner at home with your family. If you take an extra moment with your children or make your wife laugh. Whatever it may be, join us in celebrating and reaffirming the life we share in Jesus. Connie
” I am certain that, as He has raised me up in the past, His hand will remain outstretched throughout the rest of my days.” David Hayes [April 30th,1980]
Surprised by joy
Greetings,
I am taking a break from preparing for Matthew’s birthday party. He is so excited. I wanted to take a moment though to let you know how God answered your prayers for us and how He met us.
For those of you who know me well, it will not surprise you that I met the joy with a true Connie moment. [what can I say ] I awoke yesterday to find joy upon me. It was a quiet peaceful joy that filled my heart and gave me immense peace. I had prayed for joy, requested prayer for joy,and anticipated joy. When I awoke to joy, my first response though was to reject joy. Yes, immediately I told myself that I could not have joy today, after all, I had lost David a year ago and I should feel bad. This past year, I have found the most frustrating thing about walking with grief the uncontrollable nature of it. I have no idea when memories will flood my mind and cause me to stop in my tracks and force me to embrace grief and to work towards healing. I do not call on these feelings, they just come and I have no control over when they will come, the intensity of them, or how long grief stays. The only control I have is how I chose to meet the grief..do I meet it with self pity or with God comforting me….However, yesterday morning I sought out grief and I did not play as I pulled the most painful memories out. Just as immediate as my response was God’s response to me of ” OH NO YOU DON”T ” He must have shook His head ” all these people praying for joy and she pulls this….” I saw my foolishness and with a prayer and deep breath–I accepted the joy and began our day.
We had a day of snow, sleet, and ice…so we went to plan B…the kids and I went out for lunch[in the snow] and shared memories of David. We laughed a lot and wrote down our memories as has been our tradition. We then went to a movie and sat through the very last credit in memory of David [he always made us stay to the last credit was off the screen] and then we went to a bookstore. We were headed to the mall,but due to ice we went home and watched Looney Tunes and shared prayers of thanksgiving for the life of David. The day had some tears,but joy reigned and we had a good day that would have pleased David as we reaffirmed life. In all this the quiet joy that I had awoke with stayed with me bringing me peace and a sense of hope. Thank you for all your emails and calls. They encouraged me. They meant a lot to us and it helped the children see again how much we are cared for.
God was not finished yet. I thought He was and as the children lay sleeping I was listening to music from a cd called Voices of the Faithful. As I worked and listened a song came on called Made me Glad by Miriam Webster. The song begins by proclaiming that God will always be blessed and He will always be trusted. It speaks of God putting my feet on a rock and that He is my shield,my strength, fortress, deliverer, shelter,strong tower, very present help in time of need. Then it breaks out singing that God has made me glad. I have heard the song a 100 times and yet suddenly it was as if I had only now heard it. As I was listening to it, I was again as CS Lewis puts it Surprised by Joy. I am not sure yet how to describe what God did for me,but I was brought unexpectedly to my knees and as I sang and wept He showered me with joy that was even more intense and more beautiful than I have experienced during my other surprises with joy. God so covered me with joy that I could barely catch my breath. I was unable to do anything but praise Him,as the shower of joy poured over me. I wish I could find the right adverb or adjective to describe it….but I can’t. God in His mercy and grace responded to all the prayers for joy with a simple response of ” You want joy…’I’ll give you joy…..a taste of what it means to be in my presence, a touch of what David is now experiencing…… see Connie how even just a small measure of my presence removes the shadows of this world….” I did not want the time of joy to end,but God gently brought me back up to my feet. So intense was the experience that I fell asleep shortly afterwards and did not wake up all night. I awoke to a joy hangover that as helped me through this day as well.
Although it was a very personal moment with God, and as I said, I cannot accurately articulate it…since you all had prayed for joy, I wanted to share how God swooped in and surprised me with joy. I know I was amazed by it and thrilled by it. I praise Him for His touch, for His whispers, for His joy, His peace, and His word. I praise Him for being the Word,for when the night returns that I feel alone and feel miles away from Him, I can hold to the truth of His word and that He loves me regardless of what moment I walk in. My life must be always weighed in the balance of John 3:16. In this most of all, I hold to. With Joy, Connie
>Greetings,
>” Since Christ lives within you,even through your body will die because of
>sin,your spirit is alive because you have been made right with God” Romans
>8:10
> Thank you so much for your prayers. We celebrated David’s day by
>sharing memories over lunch,going to a movie and sitting through the last
>credit, and then coming home and praying together and thanking God for
>David’s life. God gave both the children and I joy through the day and
>touched me with a special joy in the evening. We felt your prayers as we
>walked through the remainder of March by marking David’s birthday and going
>to a memorial in honor of those who had donated their bodies to science
>last year. God provided peace,grace, and joy this month and I thank Him
>for it and for your prayers.
> I feel selfish asking this,but please continue to pray for us as we have
>some difficult decisions ahead of us as I begin to pray over where God
>would have our family and what He has for our lives. I have a great
>responsibility to the four lives that God has put in my care and I need to
>hear His voice clearly in this matter.
> Last year Easter came within weeks of David’s death and it was a hard
>season,but one marked with hope. This year I am able to put out the Easter
>decorations and we have picked up some of our traditions and I again look
>to the season with hope. I had shared with my family how important Easter
>has become to me. There are the obvious reasons,but it is more than that.
>As I sat in the hospital memorial service, I was struck by how all the
>words of comfort revolved around how wonderful the donors were and of
>course we the family are. They were kind in their words of thanks,but
>there was an emptiness to the day as we were encouraged to hold on to our
>memories. I realized in the days that followed that for me memories would
>never be enough. Oh, they are important and to be cherished without a
>doubt. That is the very reason I am making the memory book. We have
>appreciated the words of memories that you have shared with us and they are
>a treasure to us,because remembering David’s words or ways keep him close
>to us. We will always remember him—keeping it as a friend of his
>said–keeping it real. David’s legacy is one of truth speaking,integrity,
>humor, and being real with people. My memories and the ones you have
>shared with me can never be taken from me and I thank God for that.
>Memories alone though are not enough for me to hold on to, to hope in.
> If I thought for a moment that memories were all I had and that David
>had ceased to exist, then I believe I could not be consoled. I would have
>no hope and no joy. My hope lies in that first Easter morning, of Christ
>destroying the power of death in our lives. With Easter,He gives us a
>life worth living, fellowship with Him that glimpses into eternity, and a
>promise of knowing Him now and forever. It is this that causes the hope
>to rise up in me, that brings praise to my lips, and a sweetness to life
>even amidst pain. It is Christ rising, and with it raising us up. David
>lives, He is still David Hayes. He has not ceased, he is not lost to me,
>he is in heaven and he remains active and alive—Davie boy. I will not
>debate those who know of non-believers who have suffered more than I and
>gone on to embrace life after experiencing a death. The human spirit
>itself is a gift from God,but for me…I thank Him that I have not had to
>walk these days alone, that I have not been left to find my own comfort,
>that I have not had to work things out in my own mind and that I have not
>had to find my own way through this dark valley of grief. I praise Him
>that He has walked with me, that He has comforted me, carried me when the
>waters grew too deep, filled my heart with unexpected joy,gave me laughter
>with tears and whispered in the darkness words of light. It is in John
>3:16 that my heart hopes. May you have a wonderful Easter and know the
>joy of life with Him and the power of life without end. Connie
>” We grieve with perspective knowing that the gospel our loved one lived
>for lives on” David Hayes.
> Greetings,
> ” For our present troubles are quite small and won’t
> last very long. Yet they produce for us an
> immeasurable great glory that will last forever! So
> we don’t look at the troubles we can see right
> now;rather, we look forward to what we have not yet
> seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over,
> but the joys to come will last forever.” 2
> Corinthians 4:17-18
> I am writing to ask for prayer for my family yet
> again. My father, Melvin Zahnow, died this morning
> of a massive heart attack. He went out to see to
> his beloved bees and found himself standing before
> The Lord instead. As my family prepares for a long
> drive to ND,my thoughts are scattered and my heart
> is heavy. My heart aches for my mother who has
> endured in her life so many trials and finds herself
> facing yet another. I watch my children and my
> heart grows weary as they face the loss of another
> grandfather and now have lost a total of three men
> in their lives in the period of 18 months. My first
> response to God, I must confess was “you have got
> to be kidding me God.”
> Please pray for us as we make the trip to
> ND…pray for clarity of thought and focus in my
> driving. Pray for the van as we have had some minor
> problems with it in the past weeks. Pray for my
> children as they look to God and wonder in their
> limited understanding what is going on in their
> lives.
> As for me, my understanding is limited as well.
> I can give God many reasons why this was not
> right,how the timing of this is way off, how hard
> this is going to be on my mother, my extended
> family, and my children. Soooo, I take a deep
> breath and speak the truth. I speak of God’s
> unfailing love for me. I will not pretend to
> understand,yet I choose to trust Him. He did not
> ask my opinion and He does not see the need to give
> me reason…He whispers to me of His love and calls
> me to walk in the light of this love in faith. As
> I talked with a friend today, I was reminded of a
> story I had shared with her before of David. He had
> returned home from his second surgery and we were
> talking in the late night. I spoke to him of my
> frustration and posed to him a question…” doesn’t
> it feel like to you that Satan stands at the throne
> of God and mocks us?” We had thought just days
> before that the tumor was shrinking and we had sent
> out an emailing giving God glory only to find
> ourselves being told that the tumor was actually
> growing and the report was read wrong. I continued
> to lament to David..” doesn’t it seem as if Satan
> says..”Now see what they do..watch what they
> say…they will curse you…doesn’t it feel like
> that?” David was sitting and with his foot resting
> on his knee. He slowly leaned forward and and
> pointing slowly down with his elbow on his knee, he
> responded to me quietly..” and I say… not
> today…not today.” I have clung to those words
> and held them close to my heart for 18 months…so
> tonight I say…” not today…Today I choose to love
> Him, to serve Him, to Trust Him,to praise Him” He
> is worthy of that trust,that love, that service,and
> that praise, because despite my circumstances, He
> remains an incredible God.
> Please pray for my mother to have strength,my
> brothers and sister and their families, for my
> children, and for a safe trip to America’s
> heartland. ” There is a strange connection
> between the strange providential circumstances
> allowed by God and what we know of Him, and we have
> to learn to interpret the mysteries of life in the
> light of our knowledge of God. Until we can come
> face to face with the deepest, darkest fact of life
> without damaging our view of God’s character, we do
> not yet know Him. ” Oswald Chambers. My Utmost for
> His Highest [July 29}….my prayer is that I come to
> grow to know God in this manner…. thank you for
> your prayers. Connie
” I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will
have many trails and sorrows. But take heart,because I have overcome the world.”
John16:33
> Thank you all for your prayers. We arrived safely in ND/MN in record time ( for
us— that is– traveling with a dog and
four kids ). I saw people I have not seen since I left home as a newly married young
woman and although that is not how I wanted
to catch up with people, it was nice to see everyone. The service was one that pointed
to God and to eternity. I owe thanks to
the Church who was so good to our family. Early after Dad’s death, it was determined
that Mom needed to move and so we packed
boxes and The Lord opened up an apartment for her in a high-rise for Seniors. She is
officially moved and seems to be adjusting.
Please pray for both mothers[ David’s and mine] as they deal with their different
lives. I see God’s hand and care in their
lives and I praise Him for it. We returned to NJ to hit the ground running and I am
just now catching my breath.
> As we prepare for summer, please keep us in your prayers. I still have decisions
to make about our future that went on the
back burner with news of Dad’s death. We have busy days ahead. Alicia was accepted to
go with a Christian Drama Traveling Group
called AIM. She will be gone on this mission trip for the month of Oct. I am reminded
of David gently telling me to prepare to
see our kids walk into missions. ” We need to expect it and encourage it…..we
don’t want to be one who says ” send another’s
child”…instead…we need to praise God that He chose our child” Now as she
goes on her first mission trip [and a long one at
that ] I hear David’s words and smile as I sigh and let her go. I pray it will be an
experience that changes her life forever
and as she has set her heart now before God, I pray that He will use this to set her feet
on a path that follows Him all her days.
Isn’t this the prayer of all of us who know Him? I have though decided after much
prayer that I will continue to homeschool
the children next year. At least I can not complain about life being boring.
> As I look ahead to what lies ahead of me there are times that I must admit that
I feel overwhelmed. I have felt the
mountains so great around me and the cliffs so near my feet. My fog of grief is slowly
clearing and with that clearing comes a
reality that my life is forever altered and many days I wonder if I am up for the task
ahead. I look at my children and praise
God for the blessing they are in my life. At the same time I wonder how I can raise them
without David for I know that although
it is unspoken they are trusting me to make wise and godly decisions. It is then that
He comes and speaks to me and reminds me
that they are His children and I do not do this alone. He reminds me of those who hold
us up in prayer and those who have come
along beside us to walk with us in these days.
> I cannot speak of what lies ahead of me [I would not have imagined three deaths
in 13 months]—–but I can speak of Him
who directs my path. I speak the truth of His hand in my life…….His ways are not my
ways, the word of God says….and I
praise God for that. He does not sleep when I grow weary, He does not run when I become
afraid, He does not cringe when life
becomes ugly, He does not falter when I grow tired, He does not crumble when I fall, He
does not turn from me when I fail, He does
not grow confused with my circumstances. The mountains and cliffs that surround me,
they fall at His feet. In this I have
confidence and I praise God that He guards and guides me with a fierce and gentle love.
Thank you for your prayers. Connie
Greetings,
I wrote a few weeks ago and asked for prayer for my nephew Keith. Keith
passed from death into life yesterday at 2:00 a.m. Because there is no
question that for Keith life has finally begun, I am not sorrowful. It is
however hard on my kids and my mother-in-law because it is one more loss in
their lives. For my kids it seems as if death follows us…for my
mother-in-law it brings back memories of a small baby that was wounded at
birth. [ When I met with the children to tell them that Keith had died, I
asked Matthew…” how do we get to heaven.?” Without smiling Matthew
responded simply..”why you die” I had to turn my head to laugh quietly and
Jillian annoucnes…” isn’t he cute?” …I rephrased the question and we
went from there] . We will not be attending the funeral,but I would
request prayer for our family at ten a.m. as Mom and I will have a time of
prayer during that time and remember Keith and how all life has value to
Christ.
As for Keith, he sings and dances with Jesus and sings praises with David.
I cannot even imagine the joy that David must be experiencing being a part
of seeing Keith freed from this earthly body and meeting and talking to the
soul that Christ made Keith to be.
Please pray for our family as we say good-bye to David’s family who have
been here visiting and head off to the West Coast. We will begin our
journey praising God for this gift that David has given us and how he lived
out what he believed without pretense. We join David in agreement that
life is a gift from God and should be celebrated with joy. He experiences
joy that this earth cannot give as he stands clapping his hands with joy at
Keith’s entrance into eternity. I am reminded daily that heaven is not the
absense of things we love…it is the presence of all that we love.
Connie
Restore
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them” Romans 8:28
Thank you to all of you who continue to pray for our family. We spent the summer on a road trip that took us to the West Coast, ND/MN, NC, and back to NJ. As you all know David donated his body to science and he requested that his remains would not be buried. I have laughed since his death that he did not have the look of a revolutionary,but he really was. I see this more and more as I realized the different ways that David Hayes thought out of the box. Instead of a funeral and internment, some money was set aside for a special trip as a last gift to his children. A living memorial to him and his belief that it was all about life. ” after all” he would remind me ” if we believe what we say, then I am not really dying am I ? ”
Sooo, last year I was not in the state of mind to celebrate as David requested. I promised the kids we would celebrate their Daddy’s life this summer. Since I had to travel half way across the US to finish my father’s affairs in July, we decided to go the other half and see my sister and her family in CA . The kids and I drove across the US to CA and stopped along the way to take in the Grand Canyon. After spending two weeks enjoying them and sunny CA we headed to ND/MN and stopped to see Mt. Rushmore. In ND/MN my siblings and I [along with some church members and my uncle] tackled putting my father’s affairs in order and going through his life’s possessions. We then headed to see Nanny Hayes and spent a few weeks resting and enjoying her company.
David believed in life—life that is worth living–and he embraced it and enjoyed it while he walked this earth. No one who knew David would describe him as happy-go-lucky,but his quest for joy and life came deep within him as he enjoyed the smallest of earth’s gifts and found beauty and humor in places others did not look. It is with this that we packed up and headed out in a celebration of life—a last selfless gift of love to the four he loved the most.
God made it clear to me that He would speak to me on this trip. He also showed me as I prepared for the trip that it was a beginning for us as a family. A clear line in the sand as we begin to carve out our life now without David. I did not receive this word well from Him and as we packed up and left NJ I could barely see the road for my tears. We left during the flooding and rains that hit the east coast this summer and as the rain pelted our car and tears clouded what I could see through the rain, I argued with God. I had lived the last year one day at a time and now He called me to look forward. Somehow we made it to the motel safely and the remainder of the trip to CA was light-hearted and we gave many cheers to David.
While at my sister’s house we enjoyed Disney [my brother-in-law works for Disney and they had saved some passes for us to get in. ] We also went to the studio, the beach, and we swam in the pool almost daily. It was a time of refreshment and we had a grand time. My sister and I packed up and caravanned to ND/MN. The country we went through was breathtaking at times. At one point we were going through some craggy mountains. The mountains were stark and bare. They rose up around us at every turn and God began to show me how that was my life this past year. He showed me the clefts where I rested and He protected me. It felt as if we would never find out way out of those mountains and yet then suddenly they fell behind us. A valley lay ahead with the road smooth and clear. I looked in the rear view mirror and the mountain behind us was covered in a dark and ominous cloud. It was again stark,but so beautiful. I grabbed the walkie talkie to talk to Alicia who was riding with my sister Jane. “Alicia” I cried “look behind you, isn’t it beautiful” Alicia answered back “Yes, but have you looked ahead of you?” With this God stabbed my heart and my eyes caught on the mountains before me. They were beautiful and bright. I busted out in tears as He called me to look ahead and I asked the Lord “HOW??” How do you look ahead??
While in NC I spoke to a friend about how I believed God was calling me to pray for restoration for our family. Jesus gives me no details only to pray to be restored. We talked and he pointed out to me how scripture rarely gives the why to suffering, but concentrates instead on the who and the what. The what is that we live in— a fallen and sinful world. The who is Him who came down to us and chose to suffer for us and with us. He showed us that no one is beyond being redeemed and that there is no situation that we face beyond His redemption as well. This is the hope of knowing Christ. As I thought on what we had talked about God brought the verse to my mind of making all things good.
To be honest with you, I have had that verse said to me numerous times since David died. As well meaning as everyone is, it seemed to be trite along the “don’t worry be happy mode” of thinking. I would point out[because I am stubborn] that it did not say that everything is good,but that God makes everything good and then I would dismiss it. Now though Jesus brought me the verse and laid it before me. I saw it for the first time as a very bold statement that God would dare to make to me. Gently came His voice ” I will make all things work together for good….that you do not see it does not matter… I ask you Connie… do you believe I can make it good?? do you trust Me
to make it good??? ”
My heart still cries out for David. How I miss his wisdom, his view of the world, his revolutionary ways. I still see four children without their father who saw them as individuals and enjoyed and disciplined them as such. I still wonder how I can possibly raise them by myself. I see myself without David and to be honest, I don’t like it.
YET, regardless of what I see or feel….regardless of what I understand… I speak the truth and say.. He is able to restore, He is able to redeem, and YES He is able to make it good. I will continue in my prayer for restoration and redemption for our family, for our circumstances on His terms–not mine. I look now for how He will answer and how He will make it good.
In the meantime, I continue to pray about where He wants us and what He wants us to do. I accept that He is interested in the journey as well as the destination. Please continue to pray for us, that God will show us where He wants us….while we wait we will continue to serve and we will look ahead at life— David believed that his life was best memorialized by life itself, in the embracing of it and in personally knowing and serving the Author of it. I agree.
Praising God for His redeeming love, Connie