Children and Grief I believe by far the hardest part of my grief was walking through my children’s grief with them. I have four children and each is at a different stage of development and each grieved differently. Sharing my children’s grief is even more personal than sharing my own. They had a sense of being torn away from someone who brought them great security and love. Their pain tears at my very heart. Children experience grief when they experience loss or change of any kind. You have the opportunity with your children to mirror purposeful and hopeful grief and this will give them tools to help them into their adult hood. It is essential that if all possible that in the midst of the crises that has hit your life that you bring about as little change as possible in your child’s life. I was told that I should not make any big changes in my life for a year. Since I could not remember to brush my teeth at the time, this seemed wise to me. I was in crises,but my crises was not dire financially. I determined that for one year that I would stay home with my children, continue to homeschool them, and not to move. They still had stress as they wondered what would happen at the end of the year times. During this year I had time to weigh and consider options and ultimately I knew I had to follow God’s leading. Sometimes death throws you into a financial situation that you did not see yourself ever being in and changes must be made. I am saying that whenever possible do not make changes in your child’s life for at least a year. One of the greatest lies given to us is that our children are resilient and that they are rubber bands that bounce back very quickly. This may seem to be true as we watch them playing around the grave marker, or crying one moment only to be singing the next. This is not being a rubber band, this is being a child. Our children are not rubber-bands. They are wounded and hurting as we are and they need security and love in the midst of the storm. They need our help as they walk through their grief. Children need to feel secure. They need to know that it is okay to cry, to talk about their loved one, to have their questions answered, and that they are normal in their pain. I have assured my children over and over that it is okay to cry. I have reinforced to them that even if I cry when we talk that it is okay. I have cried with my children, in front of my children, telling them over and over again that grieving their father is healthy and fine. STILL– my children seek to protect me. They do not want to upset me and so they are silent. I have learned to watch for clues and then to force the issue on them. No matter what my words and how safe I have made the grieving process for them, there remains a sense that if Mom is okay then we are okay and don’t make her cry. Draw your child out. Get them to talk to you. Love them. Reassure them. Be honest with them. Point them to the Lord. In the resource section of this site are many good books for those seeking to help children through their grief. Read them, apply them, and help your child walk through the darkness and confusion of death.
My children lost their father, and two grandfathers within a period of 13 months. I was stunned knowing that they had lost these significant men in their lives and I wondered how they would react. It was hard. Hard to know who to grieve and usually one grief lead to another and we would have sessions of free floating grief. Death stinks,but with Christ Children can heal and they can learn as we do that death is the beginning not the end for those who know Christ. I share my children’s grief walk with you. Jesus loves your child. Be truthful, be open, be loving, and be patient. God will heal your child’s heart. The following are my children’s response to David’s death and some email sharing their grief walk. The last thing I would caution you on is giving in to much to your children because you feel bad for them. When David died, there was an outpouring of love for my family and for my children. Christmas that year was unbelievable. Excuses were made by me and by others for any bad behavior. They needed their mother and they needed me to be in charge. This gives a child security and even if they are pushing the envelope as hard as they can, they are really begging you to seal it. As I took back control as a parent, my children calmed down. Now, I seek to bring my family back into it’s center as a parent driven home. One that nurtures and loves children,but where they understand discipline and that the world does not revolve around them. Give your children security, not stuff, not excuses, not a reason to grow up and be bitter and resentful about their life. As hard as it is to discipline your child when you are in grief, I encourage you to do so. You will not regret it. Jillian [age 3 at the time of her father’s death] Jillian’s response to her father’s death was anger. Fierce anger. She stood in the middle of the floor for the first month and every night she would scream for David. She would scream ” Daddy come back, come back” she would ask why he left her and she would cry and beg him to return to her. I could only try and comfort her with tears filling my own eyes. What can be said? Her crying decreased to twice or three times a week. She would wail for him when she was in trouble and when she was hurt. She didn’t want me to clean her knee,instead she wanted her daddy and he would not answer her. When she would begin to wail, all of us would exchange looks and take deep breaths. Finally one night, Alicia said matter of fact.” she cries for all of us” I could only nod. Jillian still misses David,but her fits of anger and hurt are over. We talk about him trying to keep his memory of him alive in her mind. She wonders more about him…” would daddy like this??” I assure her often of how much he loved his little Jillian and she smiles. She is slowly healing,but the sense of abandonment that she had bothers me and I will continue to watch and pray over her in the years to come. Emails:Thanks for your concern about Jillian. You know it is the one thing I rarely share about is the kids and their grief. I tend to be very vague when I talk to people,because it seems to upset people. I have shared at times and I did share what I wrote to you about in cell last week….the thing is that as I like to say…IT is what IT is. I am not the only one in the house with grief and the reality is that I have to walk it through with them and try my best to point them to their Heavenly Father. There is the obvious grief where tears just flow and the kids have their moments…it is just pure and they miss their father. Then there are grief issues, like what came up with Nathan and then Alicia a few months ago where she was having dreams about David and how she could not get to him in time and he would walk away from her. She would wake up so upset that she would climb into bed with me and sometimes she even threw up. Then there is the confusion of grief. They will share how they know Daddy had peace and he was ready to go,but did he want to go…wouldn’t he had rather be with them.?? You know, I am sure that if someone where to ask me what is better peace at death or torment…of course I would say peace,but Satan is such a sneak that he tries to even make peace wrong. So, we have had to discuss that their father wanted to parent them. That he did not choose to leave and that his body just couldn’t fight the tumor any longer. It was not a matter of will, it was not a matter of faith in our case, and I believe with all my heart that God looked forward to David’s death and received Him with joy. That his plan for David was to heal him perfectly in heaven and that this brought God joy….I know God numbers our days and He extended David’s days as long as He could. Do you think I understand this even though I know it?? How then do I explain this to a 11,15, 6,4 year old….so, I stick to the physical facts…David was sick…and because he was so sick he died…God was happy to give him a new body. I don’t want God to be the bad guy in this situation where God takes their daddy away….and every book on children I read tells me not to…..however, my gut also says..but it is the truth….David was taken home by God…and that does not make God the bad guy…I believe Alicia is old enough to understand this and Nathan is getting there,but Matthew and Jillian just need facts….so I have had to deal with issues of abandonment thanks to Satan throwing in that confusion of David’s peace for an idea that David did not want to be with them any longer….you just have to be alert and on your toes and grief is an exhausting experience and sometimes I am not on my toes. Then there is the issue of everyone feeling sorry for them including me and not allowing them to be spoiled…along with again grief being exhausting and having to be focused with disciple and keep being consistent when you can’t think straight some days…that is fun too. : ) I could go on and on about the kids and what they have gone through in their grief, but IT is what it is. I guess another reason, I talk less about it than my own grief is that it upsets me. The hardest thing I have faced in my grief is my children’s grief. I am also not sure how they would feel if the “whole world” knew what they were feeling. And as we wrap up a year the tendency to think that we are finished grieving and that the kids and I are fine now..when in reality although the harshest sting of it is passed, [I pray] and we have actively worked on purposeful grief [sometimes against their will] they still have a ways to go. I see it…I see it in Nathan’s quick tears when he is disappointed, I see it in Matthew’s flashes of anger, I see it in Alicia’s turning and blinking when she talks about David, and I see it in the one who is most honest about her grief and wails for all of us..Jillian. I shared with the kids that their father died, we had our memorial, we marked the first year and we went to a memorial for those who donated their bodies to science and so we have made a full circle, what is left is that we are diligent about filling out the circle and for lack of a better term cleaning up around it….this too takes purpose and moving at the pace that God wants.
Back to the Jillian front… God has revealed to me though this week that Jillian’s issues are a little more than just grief. She has real security issues right now that are linked to David’s death and then the death of David’s father. God has shown me that I need to be more in tuned to her and listening to her and just plain pay her more attention. Real attention, not just having her with me. Assuring her that I am here and that I love her. Assuring her that God loves her. She point blank says she doesn’t want to be a Christian because she does not want to go to heaven. This upsets Matthew who is constantly trying to get her in a corner to pray to become a Christian even though I have told him she is too young. WELL that went on a little more than I intended. Sorry, I am emailing you a picture that says what grief is for us in a nutshell. Love you, Hope you are feeling better. Connie
Matthew[age 5 at the time of his father’s death] David died two days after Matthew’s birthday. Matthew was silent during the memorial and the month that followed. He would have fits of anger at his siblings or me,but he never cried for David nor did he even speak of him. We went to see David’s parents for Easter. It was not even a month since David’s death and the drive there was the longest I have ever taken in my life. We stopped at a motel and as I was giving them baths, suddenly Matthew began to scream for David. I pulled him up to me and rocked him tears flowing while the other children looked on in hurt and silence. He screamed until he could scream no more and then sobbed quietly in my arms. I stared straight ahead praying and trying to make myself breath. I hated this, I hated the pain, the death, the hurt. I wanted to join Matthew and scream,but instead I sat with tears surveying my children’s pain. It was then that the phone rang. Someone had complained and the desk was asking could I get my children calmed down. I was not angry, I knew surely they thought it was a simple tantrum. I responded that I would do my best, but I was not sure I could.
We bought a punching bag for Matthew and for two full weeks he punched and punched. Now his grief is one where he freely comes to me and sadly tells me when he is missing his daddy. I pick him up and hold him and assure him that it is fine to miss his father and how much his daddy loved his big headed boy. Nathan Nathan was 10 at the time of David’s death. He responded by being very protective of me. I allow him to watch over me within reason,while Not allowing him to think he is equal with his parent. He also had real anger issues that usually arose with a quick temper towards his siblings. He would become very angry and sad if things did not go his way and as we worked through these emotions trying to name them and own them Nathan has calmed down. Nathan is also dealing with fear issues. We are blessed to have men of God around him to encourage him and help him face these fears honestly. Knowing when to challenge Nathan’s fears and when to comfort him in them is my greatest challenge. Email: Greetings, Keep praying—today had it’s moments….but God walked through them with me. I prayed so hard at the end of Choir as we were driving home for God to comfort me in a unique way to show me His love and care for me in a special way. When I arrived home I found a card from someone I did not even know with a love gift in it…with the verse The Lord watches over the fatherless and the widow….I sat down and cried….I am so tired though from the day so I am resting right now….Nathan informed me that he needed help with his time line…He had to do a time line for his COOP class tomorrow of his life. I became frustrated because he was suppose to have already been working on it….when I asked him why he had not…this look of loss came over his face and suddenly I knew….I took a deep breath and asked him why he had not come to me before and we talked about how when these things come up that there are no wrong or right feelings, we can express our fears to each other and we will love each other….so then we started talking about how to handle this….a simple time line of his life had stopped him cold in his tracks……I left him in the car to run out and flag down Alicia and I kicked a rock as I went by in frustration….I HATE THIS!!! I fumed outloud and then swooped up Alicia and headed out to IKEA for the day to decide on a few items we need but have been putting off because I can’t make decisions and I still couldn’t. We talked more on the way about how David dying makes them feel different than all the other kids and how it feels to look from the outside in. We also took the time to talk about how people think one way about a home and a family,but how different things can be when the door closes behind them. We shared how blessed we were that our pictures spoke the truth about our lives and that we were happy and that Daddy was who he was when he was out in the world and he was who he was in our home. When we came home I helped Nathan with the time line…we put the date that David died and Nathan wrote that he was a good father.. His pictures were mainly of his father and him. and he tells mainly about what he and David used to do. It is hard to watch and I am still heavy hearted..but I have to ask myself does this work towards his healing??. His entire life he is going to have to deal with this event that completely changed his life and beginning to talk about it in a natural way is part of healing…I really feel strongly that this cannot become larger than life itself in his life…still a mother hates seeing their children in any kind of pain. As far as my grief goes..this day went by so slow….God was faithful to be there every moment and there were moments that the grief lifted and I could breath again without reminding myself to do so. So I will go to bed early and face tomorrow and see where God leads me in it. Praise Him for His kindness and love to me. Love you, Connie Alicia Alicia was 14 when her father died. She was his girl and in her eyes he could do no wrong. No one, no one was like her father and she adored/adores him. She likes to stuff her grief and not face it. If she can avoid feeling bad then this is good and she doesn’t want to feel bad anymore. She only wants to remember him with laughter and love,but grief does not work that way. She is slowly growing to accept that there will times even years from now that her heart may ache. This does not mean that she has not accepted his death or celebrates the life he has in heaven. It simply means that she misses him and that is okay. The pain does not have to define her life. She only needs not to stuff,but to meet the pain, embrace it and move forward with hope. Alicia is seeing that stuffing brings about dreams and upset stomachs because grief will not be ignored…grief must be dealt with and in dealing with it comes healing from God. Email: Greetings,
One of David’s friends from the mission wrote me and the kids and I will be going and helping out with The Big Super Bowl Bash again this year. Nathan is so excited. It will be good for us in healing. The kids are having hard times to— I have noticed since before Thanksgiving that Alicia is stuffing her grief because it is unpleasant….the problem with filling those moments with calls to friends and computer and whatever is that those feeling do not get resolved. So, I cannot be in her head and force her to face her grief….I could only warn her. Since Christmas she has been having bad dreams…dreams about death or David…and they have gotten worse. Early Thursday morning–she is up throwing up. She told me she was okay and went back bed, In the morning after talking to her about what she had eaten, had she taken her medication…she tells me she was dreaming about David again and she could not get to him quick enough for him to see her and she chased after him,but I was holding her back fussing at her about her work and she missed him and as she ran for him he would not turn around….when she woke up she said she was so upset and then she started throwing up. I explained to her that grief will not be ignored….it is coming out in her dreams. I felt awful for her and could have sat there and cried,but the kid needed help. I also put in a call to the counselor,to see when Alicia can meet with her. Jillian was crying early this week for David and Matthew was trying to reason with her that he was in heaven. Every time he said that she would cream bloody murder ” NO” So we still have issues. I think starting the memory book and really going after it will help work out some of their memories. I also know that the next month will be hard. In the middle of all this still there is much laughter. Alicia had to do a time line for COOP and she told me that during class they are learning about Nero and how terrible he was to the Christians,but all she could think of was the Looney Tunes where Nero tells Yosemite Sam ” Bring me a victim!!” And of course it is Bugs….I helped her find a picture of it on the Internet and she printed it off and put it on her time line….so now we are on a renewed Looney Tune kick. I was reading a guessing story to Matthew today and I could barely get through it…it was about this little boy and his family….who lives in his house ? Who is tall and strong and walks with long strides? Who goes to work every day and sometimes brings a surprise in his bag home?? Little things sometimes can just stab you at your core. I grieve with hope in the middle of dealing with the kids and their grief as well, our hope is that our life is His..I am praying now for God to reveal to me what I feel that He is trying to show me…something that I cannot quiet get my fingers on….He’ll do it….I just have to wait. Love you all. Connie Email written by Alicia to a girl who lost her father:
Hello, my name is Alicia Hayes, I’m 16 years old and a freshman in highschool. I don’t know you but I’m so sorry. I totally relate to you. I lost my father to a brain tumor on March 2, 2005. So I wanted you to know that I COMPLETELY understand and if you ever need to talk, you can call me-> I wanted to share with you one simple piece of comfort that God gave to be about a week or a couple days after my Father died. In the book of Luke, it talks about Jesus as a boy of 12 in the synagogue, talking with the teachers. His parents come to Him and ask Him where He had been and why He had them worry His mother and father so. I’m stopping there in the story. After that story, Joseph, Jesus’ earthly father, was not mentioned again. Not in the living sense. What does that mean? Jesus lost His earthly father sometime between 12 and 30…just like us. Who knows how old He was, frankly, I don’t care. No matter what age you are it doesn’t dampen the hurt of the loss of a parent. And think about it, not only did Jesus lose a parent, he lost a FATHER so He understands our grief completely. I think the grief must have been even worse for Him because people always think, “If only I had been there maybe he would have lived.” “If only I could have done this..””If only I could have done that…” Jesus could have, and He knew it. How crazy is that? And, since He was God, He knew why Joseph had to die, but I know that did not stop the hurt at all. I wonder if Jesus shared the reason with His family. But I wonder what motivates that? Well, in Hebrews 4:18 it says, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses…” I think I know part of why Jesus did what He did. So He could understand what we go through. Because He loves us. Never forget that He loves us. In Matthew He says, “In my Father’s house there are many rooms. If it were not so I would have told you.” That applies to everything He says. He says He loves us. He says He cares. His promises of love are many. Think about it. If it were not so He would have told us.God Bless,Alicia