I felt as if I was having an out of body experience the day David died and that feeling continued for months to come. The doctor pulled the curtain to the emergency room cubicle where they were working on David and walked across the room to me saying “I’m sorry for you loss” . Others followed, EMT workers, nurses, and as they watched for my reaction,grief came out of the corner that he had stood in since the day of the onset of my husband’s illness and took his place by side. Soon Pastors arrived, staff members from our church; loving my children, David’s mother, and I, while I seemed to watch out of someone else’s eyes…..
I found that I could not focus long on any subject and I immediately lost interest in the things going on in the world. I did not want to hear of the state of affairs in the world, when my world had ended. My family,Christian family,and friends surrounded me in such a way that I am still touched by their love and care for me. In the midst of being surrounded by people loving me, I was all alone. My daughter asked me how could so many people be around us and yet she feel so lonely. The answer of course was simple..the one we wanted to be with was gone….and so our heart was broken.
Surrounded by people, yet the loneliness filled my soul, I cried out to God to help me, to guide me. In those first weeks, I fled to the bathroom for a hot bath to be alone in my thoughts sometimes two or three times a day to find that I could not even focus on any thought. I sat talking to my sister to discover that although I had taken all those baths, but I had not washed my hair in a week. I had no appetite and if the house had burned down it would not have mattered to me. I only cared that my children were fed and warm. I had no desire to get up in the morning,yet sleep alluded me in the night as the silence deafened me. When my sister returned home, she left me a simple list…”brush your teeth, wash your hair, wash your face, eat. I laughed,but she was serious. It was within this time that I began to read every grief book that I could get my hands on. Reading helps some and some it does not. It was critical for me as God used it to establish some truths in my life and guide me towards purposeful grief. I did not want to grieve without end, I did not like that grief had taken over my life and I had no control of it, I did not like being a victim to grief. So, I determined with God’s guidance to grieve with hope, with purpose and healing as an end. I am a visual person, so I envisioned my time with Grief as a walk through a valley…mountains surrounding me and light scarce…I know that Psalm 23 has been accepted as a prayer for those going through death. Instead I saw it in a new way, as the shadows being grief and death of the one I loved that I had watched and experienced surrounding me. I read in Psalm 23 that I need not fear because He was with me and that He prepared a place for me ; a place in a meadow, a place of a quiet, and peaceful stream, a place of healing. With that vision of walking through and not stuck in grief forever and I placed within my heart the goal of healing—the healing of my heart, my life, and my future. Through prayer, I determined not to run from grief, not to allow grief to control me,but embrace grief and fight for joy. Grief would be dealt with on God’s terms and I would choose life and healing over despair. As Grief has taken his place beside you remember that although you have no power of his presence ,you do have power over how you will respond to him. God can grant you healing as well. Saying this is all well and good,but to follow are some practical ways for dealing with your new unwanted companion. The First Year, is by far the hardest….the second year and those to come can be difficult as well and it should not be assumed that since you have passed the first year then you are finished with your grief. The first year is one though where everything speaks to you of your loved on and everything shouts ” they are gone”. I talked to another widow that first month and I shared with her how everyone had mentioned to me how hard the first holidays would be….” shoot” I told her ” they have no clue..everything is a first. The first time going to church, the first meal without them, the first basketball game attended without them, the first time eating out, the first time…..the list goes on and on….my whole life is a first” This is the reality of those whose loved ones have left us as we struggle to make sense of our different lives. I went into rebellion over certain phrases. I hated the word new, using different instead. New was a good word–new baby,new job,new house. New to me meant without David and I would not use it. I hated the word- -single. I was NOT a single mother, I was not SINGLE. Instead, I used the term One parent home and so it went. These type of things can be comical,but they are a painful reality at the same time. The truth is that grief is a hard companion and there is no easy way through The Valley of Shadows. But there is hope. First, place little expectations on yourself . Many people experience short term memory loss, difficulty concentrating,feeling unnerved,not wanting or being able to make decisions, difficulty catching your breath, and emotional highs and lows. Your body is responding to loss as your mind tries to grasp your new reality. Allow for extra rest, pull back from added church,work,or school responsibly. Give yourself time to do what brings you comfort in your grief. This is not a “if it feelgood do it”mentality. I am not suggesting that you do things that are out of character for you or that you become self-consumed. I am simply saying that grief is hard work and the first few months are a purgatory all their own and you need to do the things that you find comforting—it may be reading,walking,listening to music….take time to breathe,to pray, and to worship. Be aware that everyone grieves differently. You may have a desire to go through all your loved ones belongings and to remove them from your sight, or you may want to surround yourself with their favorite items. Neither approach is right or wrong. There is no wrong or right way to grieve. This must be embraced so that you can heal on yours and God’s own terms. The hard things as going through clothes,personal items, or closets do when you feel ready. I invited friends over to help me go through David’s clothes only to find myself doing it as I took out fall clothes that year. Some people cry while tears allude others. Again, don’t place expectations on yourself on how you should or should not grieve. Grief makes it’s own mark in your life and adding stress in terms of a “right or wrong” way to grieve will only magnify your sorrow. Take care of business. Pay bills, settle affairs, deal with banks, but on your terms. There is a business to death that is unpleasant and in your face. Certain things have to be done and should be done,but others can wait. I am still dealing with some business in my second year,because I just didn’t have to the first year, so I chose not to. The business end of death can be one of the hardest parts of dealing with death. Make a list of the things that you know must be done and sort them into urgent and non urgent. Deal with the most pressing business first and then finish things up on your terms. Take deep breaths and do not make rash decisions. Decision making is affected by grief and most specialist in grief say to wait a year before making any big life changes. Be careful moving,changing jobs,returning to school, and buying large items. This is not to say that you may not HAVE to make some changes. Many deaths bring on crises–of income,of family relationships, and of business to list only a few. If you do not have a choice, then of course act,but seek other council so that you have help and guidance. When you can however, take your time in these matters. Especially if you have children because they are counting on you to make wise decisions and for children any change magnifies their loss. Guard your heart. If you have lost a spouse, be careful around people of the opposite gender. You are vulnerable whether you think you are or not. Be wary of starting relationships too early into your grief. Your loneliness will only be compounded if you suffer more loss early in your grief and if you do not resolve your grief then that becomes unfair to the person you are with. Guard your heart if you grieve a child or parent and you find a person that you feel is more understanding than your spouse ,because you place yourself in a position to compromise yourself. You may feel this does not apply to you and it may not,but to assume that you are not vulnerable when you are in the throws of sorrow is to open a door to temptation that needs to remain shut. Be honest with yourself and your feelings and guard that heart. Embrace your grief. I have fallen into times of fleeing from my grief. Shopping,trying to be busy,watching movies, or whatever I thought would make me feel better only to find that grief was relentless and would not let me go. I would encourage you to get out and rejoin the world of the living,but you can embrace your grief while choosing life. In those times when the grief washes over you unexpected, stop and embrace. Walk through the pain with prayer and praise. If it is a memory that is so painful that you feel your heart will break, offer that memory back over to God. If the questions of why and what if’s that will not give you peace, pray and pour that pain out to God. Running from your grief will only compound it later or you will spend your life with grief hanging around as an unwanted companion. I can only assure you that as hard as embracing grief is, God’s grace is able to comfort you,give you wisdom, and peace. Grief is not my friend, he is unwanted and unwelcome. God has used him in my life to show me Himself and His unfailing love for me. This does not mean that I am free from sorrow,it means that I know that as hard as any given day may be, Jesus’ love for me is stronger and He will show me how to endure the grief of the moment, the hour, the day, the week, or the month and come out of it with praise on my lips and a song of joy in my heart. Embrace the grief, cry,shout,hit the pillow, or throw it ;but do it with God. Deal with reality. People often ask me how I am doing. My response is simply IT IS WHAT IT IS. Often we hide our grief or attempt to cover it so we don’t make others uncomfortable. God has said that Blessed are they that mourn for they will be comforted. Part of the job of The Body of Christ is to help in that comforting. Allow other people of your choice into your sacred grief. Even those who ask the well meaning question and really don’t want an answer, I would encourage you to go ahead and be honest with how you are doing on that given day. You do not need to be ashamed of your grief and others need to see the face of grief so they can become familiar with it. Prepare yourself for stupid comments. I have a list of my favorite comments made by some very well meaning people. Some made me roar with laughter upon repeating them to others,while others stung and I struggled with wanting to reach over and choke them. For myself, I found that silence is worse than any off putting remark that people have made. Silence speaks loudly of apathy and lack of interest. You wonder if they even cared about the person whom you loved so dearly or if they care for you. Most of the time those silent just have no clue what their silence says and they struggle with knowing what to say so they choose to say nothing. For those brave enough to speak,they may say things that cut and sting or that seem to be in the “get over it” mode of dealing with grief. I have experience many well meaning statements that hurt, many that were so ridiculous that they brought laughter, and some that made me angry. Regardless of which or all that you experience, I can only point you towards grace and forgiveness for all the comments that do not bring you comfort. By the way, here are two of my favorites….One lady told me” it’s not like David died in the Tsunami. Now that would be bad” and the one who came to me to offer the suggestion that the reason David had died was to spare him judgment for some terrible sin that he would have committed if he had been allowed to live. I remember being amused by the first and angry at the second as I informed my bringer of noncomfort that there was nothing in David’s character to lead me to believe that this was the reason he died. Remind yourself that they care, that they just don’t have a clue, and forgive. Meet your grief markers. If you have ever swam in the ocean you know that riding a wave is enjoyable,but being knocked down by a wave and pulled under is a frightening thing. The same is true with grief. When you see a wave coming if you are able to meet it and ride it, although it is not enjoyable, the grief is manageable. To be pulled under by an unexpected wave of grief though is a hard thing to bear and it feels as if the wind has been knocked out of you. Plan to meet your grief markers. Holidays, the first month anniversary, the sixth month anniversary, the year anniversary, birthdays and any special day that looms over you must be met by you. Pray and make a plan on how to meet that day. Ask God to show you how to mark the occasion. Many people find that doing something different for the big holidays helps. If they always stayed home, then they go out. Others find comfort in doing the same thing the first year in memory of their loved one. For our family,Christmas and Thanksgiving were extremely hard and as Mom and I faced the day without our husbands. We made plans, and God met us where we were and gave us grace to make it through the day. That is not to say that the day was not met with tears or sorrow, but since we had a plan we were not surprised or pulled under by our sorrow. Take into account the small holidays,some times they bring with them an unexpected punch. We let go of balloons on David’s six month anniversary and at his year we celebrated life. There are many ways to meet these days, from writing letters, to spending time thanking God for them, or singing a song by their grave….you pray and you decide how God would have you meet the day. He tailor makes healing. When meeting your grief, try not to dread. I have found from those who have walked through grief and from my own experience that the dreading of a day or a holiday is much harder than the actual day. As it builds up in your mind so does the pain in your heart. The day may be harder than you imagined or it may not meet your expectations in grief and you will find that the dreading did nothing to help you prepare for the day or help you in facing the day. Speak the truth to yourself when you find the dread and fear of the day building up in you. Pray and commit the day to God. You may have to do this many times as the day marches closer to you,but keep fighting the desire to dread and instead continue to meet the day with the expectation that God will meet you there in your grief. He will give you grace for the moment you need it and not before. Talk about your loved one. Many people are afraid to bring up the deceased for fear of upsetting you, others are uncomfortable hearing about them, and some don’t know what to say. I loved to hear David’s name said by others and I still love to hear it. He deserves to be loved and remembered because he was unique and wonderful. Don’t worry about what others may think. Speak as much as you like about the one you love….say their name just to say it if it helps you. Prepare yourself. Prepare to accept that you cannot control when your grief will hit, the intensity of your grief, and when it will lift. In the beginning you will have some days that seem good only to suddenly have a cloud drop over you and follow you. The same cloud will lift unexpectedly for no apparent reason. Accept the days where the grief lifts as a gift from God. Walk though those hard days praying and crying out to God. Don’t be afraid to dialogue with God and pour out to Him your hearts pain. God understands our grief as the bible says He was acquainted with grief. Don’t be afraid of asking God hard questions and being honest with Him about your feelings. He knows them anyway, so He already is aware if you angry with Him or let down by Him. He is not intimated by our deepest cries, instead He thrills in the relationship. When we are honest with Him, He is able to reach us in ways that our heart will not allow when we talk about Him rather than TO Him. He may never give you the answers you want,but He will eventually bring you to a place of peace. You may or may not recognize a trigger to your grief. Staying away from that trigger may not help you next time, so don’t fear it. My husband and I had a Lumina for ten plus years. We gave ours away the year before he died and I saw a hundred old Luminas in the months after his death without it bothering me. One day though I drove into a McDonalds and there sat a Lumina, I cried for five minutes. This is the nature of grief. When it hits unexpected like that, embrace it. Grieve and cry out to God for comfort and help. Praise Him for what you can praise Him for and He will return a measure of joy. Have hope that those good days will later be your bad days as God heals you.
Know that you are not alone. Others walk through this same valley. It is true that grief is different for each person and so is their healing,but certain experiences are shared by those who walk in the Valley and those who share your type of grief. Join a support group or ask your pastor if another in the church has walked your walk and is willing to share in your sorrow. If someone comes along beside you of character and asks to walk with you, allow them to for it is important that you not be alone in this walk. Look for those who walked through the Valley and came through with God’s hand on them. Don’t let those stuck in their grief hold you back by telling you that you will not ever feel better and all you can hope for is to cope. Refuse those words and move forward in your grief. Others have walked through The Valley and have accepted the healing touch of Christ Jesus. You are not alone. Most of all, remember that Jesus knew grief in a real way as he watched his own earthly father die and his good friend Lazerarth. He shares in and understands your grief and He paid the highest price so that we can grieve as one WITH HOPE.
Don’t let anything hang over you. Face the places your loved one loved and visit the places that grief holds over you. The first visit will sting and it will hurt, you may find tears or you may be surprised that it doesn’t bother you at all. My children and I only have one last place to visit. We have gone back to David’s work place,every restaurant,book store, movie theater, and place that he loved. I determined that for me at each place I would whisper to God a prayer for David…”enjoy heaven, David” With each prayer and visit came a release– a good-bye that freed my heart and more and more I saw David in heaven rather than earth bound in my memories. Call death what you choose. I have read that we should not use euphemisms for death,but I disagree. The October after my husband died, I was at the church where he was saved and where we spent about five years when we were first married. That church supported us throughout our ministry of 18 plus years and that October I was there to share in their 50th anniversary celebration. There was a luncheon that I attended with the Pastor and his family of ministers in the area. As they approached me and asked me about my connection to the church, Pastor swooped in and answered in such a way that still brings a smile to my lips. ” David was a son of Hillcrest and he is dancing with Jesus now.” Hearing it phrased that way was such a blessing to me as heaven is our home,death is only the portal to it. David is in heaven and so I when dealing in business areas you may hear me say..”my husband died” but most of the time, I hold to the hope of heaven and say ” he passed from death to life, he passed over the threshold, or he is home now……I am not in denial. I know my husband does not walk the earth with me any longer. I am more aware than anyone that he is not here with me. My heart hopes though in where he is. Hold on when the days are the darkest and the cloud weighs heaviest on you. Hold on to the truth of the word of God. If God is silent speak the truth that He has promised to never leave you nor forsake you. Trust what you cannot see which is His presence around you and within you. If His presence is so close that it is painfully sweet hold on to it and praise Him for it. Praise Him in your sorrow, praise Him when it makes no sense to praise Him and you will see how in sorrow you can have a sacred time of worship with God. Hold on to the hope that is ours in Christ. Be looking for Him….be aware that He sings you a love song that you cannot hear without sorrow or pain in your life. Once you hear that song, it will follow you all the days of your life…..look for Him, He loves you with a passion that no other can, He shares your sorrow like no other can, and only He can lead you out of the Valley, only He can give joy and peace within the Valley, only He can heal.