When the person we love dies, a void is instantly present in our lives. No matter son or daughter, wife or husband, friend or sibling…the place they filled is empty and it cries out to us to be filled. I have often heard that there is no wrong way to grieve. My mother-in-law doesn’t want pictures around. They upset her. She doesn’t go a day without thinking of her precious son, but the pictures bring her pain. Pictures comfort me. I have them everywhere. Neither of us is right, we only grieve differently. We respect each others grief because we understand there is no wrong way to grieve.
However, that said there is an inappropriate way to grieve. The goal of purposeful grief is to walk through the grief –working it out in your life towards healing. As we grieve we can easily pass over the very thin line of grief and into self pity and with it self destruction. Guard your hearts door.
Those of us in the throws of grief often desperately try and fill the void ourselves. SOMETHING must make me feel better or SOMEONE. We are prone to spending too much money, eating too much, drinking too much, rushing into relationships that are not in our best interest or God’s. We want to feel better, to stop the pain and we look for something or someone to bring us up. Unfortunately we have been raised in a society that does not respect or see the beauty in grief. We are uncomfortable around those who grieve and when we grieve ourselves, we can be uncomfortable with ourselves. We are told to keep busy and give it time, but business cannot help the flashes of our memory or keep us from being startled by a smell that opens the wound of our heart in a second. Guard your heart. Any excess behavior whether spending money, jumping into relationships,drinking, drugs, eating, and the like are symptoms that the void is not being filled regardless of how quickly you throw things into it.
The hard but simple truth is that the void that your loved one left in you can only be filled by The One. He deals with us as unique individuals and fills the void creatively and uniquely in each our lives. He doesn’t replace our loved one, He doesn’t forget our loved one, and He doesn’t dishonor their memory in anyway. He alone though will fill that void and until He completes His healing in you, He will guide you in how you are to live in the midst of that void.
Find someone who will hold you accountable. Another widow, Another mother who misses her child, Another friend who misses their parent or who lost a friend,a confident that cannot be replaced. Ask them to watch your actions, your tone for self pity, and for signs that reveal a desperate attempt to fill that void yourself in an inappropriate way.
Prepare yourself that you will not be “better” quickly. You may “feel “better one month only to find your heart heavy hearted and grief bearing down on you the next. Remember that grief is unpredictable and as it floods your soul, cry out to Jesus. Cry out because of the missing, because of the void, because of the hurt. Remind yourself that although we live in a society that is uncomfortable with grief we have a God who sees the value in a heart that is broken and who does not rush our healing. He hears our cries and no matter what we feel, He is there.
Many times our grief is pure. For many though grief is only one of many emotions that they must handle. Grief over death, the sorrow over not being able to say good-bye, the sorrow over watching our loved one suffer and having too much time to say good-bye, the stabbing in our hearts over the pain that was either inflicted on them by others or by illness, the anger at a drunk or careless driver, the fury over what was done when our loved one was murdered,or neglected in their care, and so the list goes on to complicate our grief. All this grief,all these emotions,all this yet you are not alone. Others have shared in your situation. I remember at one time as that realization hit me stomping my foot and saying, “But other wives didn’t lose David Hayes “
That uniqueness to our grief cannot become isolating. There are common threads regardless of the uniqueness of our grief. We are not alone and as there are others who have walked this walk. Don’t be afraid of telling God how you feel and how unhappy you are with your situation. He can handle it and He is able to pull you onto the side of grief where comfort and joy lies. As Jesus walked this earth and lived among us, he too shared in what it was like to lose someone He loved. He grieved and He alone will fill that void with His gentle love. Guard your heart, allow others you trust to hold you accountable,and be patient as you wait on Him to heal your heart.
It is said that grief is the price of love and that price is not too costly. Our loved ones deserve to be honored, to be grieved in appropriate ways. We need comfort, we need hope, we need God. Look to Him, speak the truth, and hold on. Grieve the right way, your way and His way, and allow Him to fill the void.