I felt as if I was having an out of body experience the day David died and that feeling continued for months to come.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The doctor pulled the curtain to the emergency room cubicle where they were working on David and walked across the room to me saying “I’m sorry for you loss” .\u00a0 Others followed, EMT workers, nurses, and as they watched for my reaction,grief came out of the corner that he had stood in since the day of the onset of my husband’s illness and took his place by side.\u00a0\u00a0 Soon Pastors arrived, staff members from our church; loving my children, David’s mother, and I, while I seemed to watch out of someone else’s eyes…..\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I found that I could not focus long on any subject and I immediately lost interest in the things going on in the world.\u00a0 I did not want to hear of the state of affairs in the world, when my world had ended.\u00a0My family,Christian family,and friends surrounded me in such a way that I am still touched by their love and care for me.\u00a0 In the midst of being surrounded by people loving me, I was all alone.\u00a0 My daughter asked me how could so many people be around us and yet she feel so lonely.\u00a0 The answer of course was simple..the one we wanted to be with was gone….and so our heart was broken.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Surrounded by people, yet\u00a0the loneliness filled my soul, I cried out to God to help me, to guide me.\u00a0\u00a0 In those first weeks,\u00a0I fled to the bathroom for a\u00a0hot bath\u00a0to be alone in my thoughts sometimes two\u00a0or three times a day to\u00a0find that I could not even focus on any thought.\u00a0 I sat talking to my sister to discover that although I had taken all those baths, but\u00a0I had not washed my hair in a week.\u00a0\u00a0 I had no appetite and if the house had burned down it would not have mattered to me.\u00a0 I only cared that my children were fed and warm.\u00a0\u00a0 I had no desire to get up in the morning,yet sleep alluded me in the night as the silence deafened me.\u00a0When my sister returned home, she left me a simple list…”brush your teeth, wash your hair, wash your face, eat.\u00a0 I laughed,but she was serious.\u00a0\u00a0 It was within this time that I began to read every grief book that I could get my hands on.\u00a0 Reading helps some and some it does not.\u00a0 It was critical for me as God used it to establish some truths in my life and guide me towards purposeful grief.\u00a0 I did not want to grieve without end, I did not like that grief had taken over my life and I had no control of it, I did not like being a victim to grief.\u00a0\u00a0 So, I determined with God’s guidance to grieve with hope, with purpose and healing as an end.\u00a0 I am a visual person, so I envisioned my time with Grief as a walk through a valley…mountains surrounding me and light scarce…I know that Psalm 23 has been accepted as a prayer for those going through death.\u00a0 Instead I saw it in a new way, as the shadows being grief and death of the one I loved that I had watched and experienced\u00a0surrounding me.\u00a0 I read\u00a0in\u00a0Psalm 23 that I need not fear\u00a0because He was with me and that He prepared a place for me\u00a0;\u00a0a place in a meadow, a place of a\u00a0quiet, and peaceful stream, a place of healing.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0With that vision\u00a0of walking through and not\u00a0stuck in grief forever and\u00a0I placed within my heart the goal of healing—the healing of my heart, my life, and my future.\u00a0\u00a0Through prayer,\u00a0I determined not to run from grief, not to allow grief\u00a0to control me,but embrace grief and fight for joy.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Grief would be dealt with on\u00a0God’s terms and I would\u00a0choose life and healing over despair.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 As Grief has taken his place beside you remember that although you have no\u00a0power of his presence ,you do have power over how you will respond to him.\u00a0 God can grant you healing as well.\u00a0\u00a0 Saying this is all well and good,but to follow are some practical\u00a0ways for dealing with your new unwanted companion.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The First Year, is by far the hardest….the second year and those to come can be difficult as well and it should not be assumed that since you have passed the first year then you are finished with your grief.\u00a0\u00a0 The first year is one though where everything speaks to you of your loved on and everything shouts ” they are gone”.\u00a0\u00a0 I talked to another widow that first month and I shared with her how everyone had mentioned to me how hard the first holidays would be….” shoot” I told her ” they have no clue..everything is a first.\u00a0 The first time going to church, the first meal without them, the first basketball game attended without them, the first time eating out, the first time…..the list goes on and on….my whole life is a first”\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 This is the reality of those whose loved ones have left us\u00a0 as we struggle to make sense of our different lives.\u00a0I went into rebellion over certain phrases.\u00a0 I hated the word new, using different instead.\u00a0 New was a good word–new baby,new job,new house.\u00a0 New to me meant without David and I would not use it.\u00a0\u00a0 I hated the word- -single.\u00a0 I was NOT a single mother, I was not SINGLE.\u00a0\u00a0 Instead, I used the term One parent home and so it went.\u00a0 These type of things can be comical,but they are a painful reality at the same time.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0The truth is that grief is a hard companion and there is no easy way through\u00a0The Valley of Shadows.\u00a0\u00a0 But there is hope.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 First, place little expectations on yourself\u00a0.\u00a0\u00a0 Many people experience short term memory loss, difficulty concentrating,feeling unnerved,not wanting or being able to make decisions, difficulty catching your breath,\u00a0and emotional highs and lows.\u00a0\u00a0 Your body is responding to loss as your mind tries to grasp your new reality.\u00a0Allow for extra rest, pull back from added church,work,or school responsibly.\u00a0\u00a0Give yourself time to do what brings you comfort in your grief.\u00a0 This is not a “if\u00a0it feelgood do it”mentality.\u00a0 I am not suggesting that you do things that are out of character for\u00a0 you or that you become self-consumed.\u00a0 I am simply saying that grief is hard work and the first few months are a purgatory all their own and you need to do the things that you find comforting—it may be reading,walking,listening to music….take time to breathe,to pray, and to worship.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Be aware that everyone grieves differently.\u00a0 You may have a desire to go through all your loved ones belongings and to remove them from your sight, or you may want to surround yourself with their favorite items.\u00a0 Neither approach is right or wrong.\u00a0 There is no wrong or right way to grieve.\u00a0 This must be embraced so that you can heal on yours and God’s own terms.\u00a0\u00a0 The hard things as going through clothes,personal items, or closets do when you feel ready.\u00a0\u00a0 I invited friends over to help me go through David’s clothes only to find myself doing it as I took out fall clothes that year.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Some people cry while tears allude others.\u00a0 Again, don’t place expectations on yourself on how you should or should not grieve.\u00a0 Grief makes it’s own mark in your life and adding stress in terms of a “right or wrong” way to grieve will only magnify your sorrow.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Take care of business.\u00a0 Pay bills, settle affairs, deal with banks, but on your terms.\u00a0 There is a business to death that is unpleasant and in your face.\u00a0 Certain things have to be done and should be done,but others can wait.\u00a0\u00a0 I am still dealing with some business in my second year,because I just didn’t have to the first year, so I chose not to.\u00a0\u00a0 The business end of\u00a0death can be one of the hardest parts of dealing with death.\u00a0 Make a list of the things that you know must be done and sort them into urgent and non urgent.\u00a0 Deal with the most pressing business first and then finish things up on your terms.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Take deep breaths and do not make rash decisions.\u00a0 Decision making is affected by grief and most specialist in grief say to wait a year before making any big life changes.\u00a0\u00a0 Be careful moving,changing jobs,returning to school,\u00a0and \u00a0buying large items.\u00a0 This is not to say that you may not HAVE to make some changes.\u00a0\u00a0 Many deaths bring on crises–of income,of family relationships, and of business to list only a few.\u00a0\u00a0 If you do not have a choice, then of course act,but seek other council so that you have help and guidance.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When you can however, take your time in these matters.\u00a0 Especially if you have children because they are counting on you to make wise decisions and for children any change magnifies their loss.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Guard your heart.\u00a0 If you have lost a spouse, be careful around people of the opposite gender.\u00a0 You are vulnerable whether you think you are or not.\u00a0\u00a0Be wary of starting relationships too early into your grief.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Your loneliness will only be compounded if you suffer more loss early in your grief and if you do not\u00a0resolve\u00a0your grief then that becomes\u00a0unfair to the person you are with.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Guard your heart if you grieve a child or parent and you find a person\u00a0that you feel is more\u00a0understanding than your spouse ,because you place yourself in a position to compromise yourself.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You may feel this does not apply to you and it may not,but to assume that you are not vulnerable when you are in the throws of sorrow is to open a door to temptation that needs to remain shut.\u00a0\u00a0 Be honest with yourself and your feelings and guard that heart.\u00a0\u00a0 Embrace your grief.\u00a0 I have fallen into times of fleeing from my grief.\u00a0 Shopping,trying to be busy,watching movies, or whatever I thought would make me feel better only to find that grief was relentless and would not let me go.\u00a0\u00a0 I would encourage you to get out and rejoin the world of the living,but you can embrace your grief while choosing life.\u00a0 In those times when the grief washes over\u00a0 you unexpected, stop and embrace.\u00a0 Walk through the pain with prayer and praise.\u00a0 If it is a memory that is so painful that you feel your heart will break, offer that memory back over to God.\u00a0 If\u00a0\u00a0the\u00a0questions of why and what if’s that will not give you peace, pray and pour that pain out to God.\u00a0 Running from your grief will only compound it later or you will spend your life with grief hanging around as an unwanted companion.\u00a0\u00a0 I can only assure you that as hard as embracing grief is, God’s grace is able to comfort you,give you wisdom, and peace.\u00a0\u00a0 Grief is not my friend, he\u00a0is unwanted and unwelcome.\u00a0 God has used him in my life to show me Himself and His unfailing love for me.\u00a0\u00a0 This does not mean that I am free from sorrow,it means that I know that as hard as any given day may be, Jesus’ love for me is stronger and He will show me how to endure the grief of the moment, the hour, the day, the week, or the month and come out of it with praise on my lips and a song of joy in my heart.\u00a0 Embrace the grief, cry,shout,hit the pillow, or throw it ;but do it with God.\u00a0\u00a0 Deal with reality.\u00a0 People often ask me how I am doing.\u00a0 My response is simply IT IS WHAT IT IS.\u00a0\u00a0 Often we hide our grief or attempt to cover it so we don’t make others uncomfortable.\u00a0\u00a0 God has said that Blessed are they that mourn for they will be comforted.\u00a0 Part of the job of The Body of Christ is to help in that comforting.\u00a0 Allow other people of your choice into your sacred grief.\u00a0\u00a0 Even those who ask the well meaning question and really don’t want an answer, I would encourage you to go ahead and be honest with how you are doing on that given day.\u00a0\u00a0 You do not need to be ashamed of your grief and others need to see the face of grief so\u00a0they can become familiar with it.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Prepare yourself for stupid comments.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I have a list of my favorite comments made by some very well meaning people.\u00a0 Some made me roar with laughter upon repeating them to others,while others stung and I struggled with wanting to reach over and choke them.\u00a0\u00a0 For myself, I found that silence is worse than any off putting remark that people have made.\u00a0 Silence speaks loudly of apathy and lack of interest.\u00a0 You wonder if they even cared about the person whom you loved so dearly or if they care for you.\u00a0 Most of the time those silent just have no clue what their silence says and they struggle with knowing what to say so they choose to say nothing.\u00a0 For those brave enough to speak,they may say things that cut and sting or that seem to be in the “get over it” mode of dealing with grief.\u00a0 I have experience many well meaning statements that hurt, many that were so ridiculous that they brought laughter, and some that made me angry.\u00a0\u00a0 Regardless of which or all that you experience, I can only point you towards grace and forgiveness for all the comments that do not bring you comfort.\u00a0 By the way, here are two of my favorites….One lady\u00a0told me”\u00a0it’s not like David died in the Tsunami.\u00a0 Now that would be bad”\u00a0 and the one who came to me to offer the suggestion that the reason David had died was to spare him judgment for some terrible sin that he would have committed if he had been allowed to live.\u00a0\u00a0 I remember being amused by the first and angry at the second as I informed my bringer of noncomfort that there was nothing in David’s character to lead me to believe that this was the reason he died.\u00a0\u00a0 Remind yourself that they care, that they\u00a0just don’t have a clue, and forgive.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Meet\u00a0your\u00a0grief markers.\u00a0\u00a0 If you have ever swam in the ocean you know that riding a wave\u00a0is\u00a0enjoyable,but being knocked down by\u00a0a wave and pulled under is a frightening\u00a0thing.\u00a0 The same is true with grief.\u00a0 When you see a wave coming if you are able to meet it and ride it,\u00a0although it is not enjoyable, the grief is manageable.\u00a0 To be pulled under by an unexpected wave\u00a0of grief though is a hard thing to bear and it feels as if the wind\u00a0has been knocked out of you.\u00a0\u00a0 Plan to meet your\u00a0grief markers.\u00a0\u00a0Holidays, the\u00a0first month anniversary, the sixth month anniversary, the year anniversary,\u00a0birthdays and any special day that looms over you must be met by you.\u00a0 Pray and make a plan on how to meet that day.\u00a0\u00a0 Ask God to show you how to mark the occasion.\u00a0 Many people find that doing something different for the big holidays helps.\u00a0 If they always stayed home, then they go out.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Others find\u00a0comfort in doing the same thing the first year in memory of their loved one.\u00a0\u00a0 For our family,Christmas and\u00a0Thanksgiving were extremely hard and as Mom and I faced the day without our husbands.\u00a0 We made plans, and God met us where we were and gave us grace to make it through the day.\u00a0 That is not to say that the day was not met with tears or sorrow,\u00a0but since we had a plan we were not surprised or\u00a0pulled under by our sorrow.\u00a0 Take into account the small holidays,some times they bring\u00a0with them an unexpected punch.\u00a0\u00a0We let go of balloons on David’s six month anniversary and at his year we celebrated life.\u00a0\u00a0 There are many ways to meet these days, from writing letters, to spending time thanking God for them, or singing a song by their grave….you pray and you decide how God would have you meet the day.\u00a0\u00a0 He tailor makes healing.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When meeting your grief, try not to dread.\u00a0 I have found from those who have walked through grief and from my own experience that the dreading of a day or a holiday is much harder than the actual day.\u00a0 As it builds up in your mind so does the pain in your heart.\u00a0 The day may be harder than you imagined or it may not meet your expectations in grief and you will find that the dreading did nothing to help you prepare for the day or help you in facing the day. Speak the truth to yourself when you find\u00a0 the dread and fear of the day building up in you.\u00a0 Pray and commit the day to God.\u00a0 You may have to do this many times as the day marches closer to you,but keep fighting the desire to dread and instead continue to meet the day with the expectation that God will meet you there in your grief.\u00a0 He will give you grace for the moment you need it and not before.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Talk about your loved one.\u00a0 Many people are afraid to bring up the deceased for fear of upsetting you, others are uncomfortable hearing about them, and some don’t know what to say.\u00a0\u00a0 I loved to hear David’s name said by others and I still love to hear it.\u00a0\u00a0 He deserves to be loved and remembered because he was unique and wonderful.\u00a0\u00a0 Don’t worry about what others may think.\u00a0\u00a0Speak as much as you like about the one you love….say their name just to say it if it helps you.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Prepare yourself.\u00a0\u00a0 Prepare to accept that you cannot control when your grief will hit, the intensity of your grief, and when it will lift.\u00a0 In the beginning you will have some days that seem good only to suddenly have a cloud drop over you and follow you.\u00a0 The same cloud will lift unexpectedly for no apparent reason.\u00a0 Accept the days where the grief lifts as a gift from God.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Walk though those hard days praying and crying out to God.\u00a0\u00a0 Don’t be afraid to dialogue with God and pour out to Him your hearts pain.\u00a0 God understands our grief as the bible says He was acquainted with grief.\u00a0\u00a0 Don’t be afraid of asking God hard questions and being honest with Him about your feelings.\u00a0 He knows them anyway, so He already is aware if you angry with Him or let down by Him.\u00a0 He is not intimated by our deepest cries, instead He thrills in the relationship.\u00a0 When we are honest with Him, He is able to reach us in ways that our heart will not allow when we talk about Him rather than TO Him.\u00a0 He may never give you the answers you want,but He will eventually bring you to a place of peace. You may or\u00a0may not recognize a trigger to your grief.\u00a0\u00a0 Staying away from that trigger may not help you next time, so don’t fear it.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0My husband and I had a\u00a0Lumina for ten plus years.\u00a0\u00a0We gave ours away the year before he died and I saw a hundred old Luminas in the months after his death without it bothering me.\u00a0 One day though I drove into a McDonalds and there sat\u00a0a Lumina, I cried\u00a0for five minutes.\u00a0\u00a0This is the nature of grief.\u00a0 When it hits unexpected like that, embrace it.\u00a0 Grieve and cry out to God for comfort and help.\u00a0\u00a0 Praise\u00a0Him for what you can praise Him for and\u00a0He will return a measure of joy.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Have hope that those good days will later be your bad days as God heals you.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Know that you are not alone.\u00a0\u00a0 Others walk through this same valley.\u00a0 It is true that grief is different for each person and so is their healing,but certain experiences are shared by those who walk in the Valley and those who share your type of grief.\u00a0 Join a support group or ask your pastor if another in the church has walked your walk and is willing to share in your sorrow.\u00a0 If someone comes along beside you of character and asks to walk with you, allow them to for it is important that you\u00a0not be alone in this walk.\u00a0 \u00a0 Look for those who walked through the Valley and came through with God’s hand on them.\u00a0\u00a0 Don’t let those stuck in their grief hold you back by telling you that you will not ever feel better and all you can hope for is to cope.\u00a0 Refuse those words and move forward in your grief.\u00a0\u00a0 Others have walked through The Valley and have accepted the healing touch of Christ Jesus.\u00a0 You are not alone.\u00a0 Most of all, remember that Jesus knew grief in a real way as he watched his own earthly\u00a0father die and his good friend Lazerarth.\u00a0\u00a0 He\u00a0shares in and\u00a0understands your grief and He paid the highest price so that we can grieve as one WITH HOPE.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Don’t let anything hang over you.\u00a0\u00a0 Face the places your loved one loved and visit the places that\u00a0grief holds over you.\u00a0 The first visit will sting and it will hurt, you may find tears or you may be surprised that it doesn’t bother you at all.\u00a0\u00a0 My children and I only have one last place to visit.\u00a0 We have gone back to David’s work place,every restaurant,book store, movie theater, and place that he loved.\u00a0 I determined that for me at each place I would whisper to God a prayer for David…”enjoy heaven, David” With each prayer and visit came a release– a good-bye that freed my heart and more and more I saw David in heaven rather than earth bound in my memories.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Call death what you choose.\u00a0 I have read that we should not use euphemisms for death,but I disagree.\u00a0 The October after my husband died, I was at the church where he was saved and where we spent about five years when we were first married.\u00a0 That church supported us throughout our ministry of 18 plus years and that October I was there to share in their 50th anniversary celebration.\u00a0\u00a0 There was a luncheon that I attended with the Pastor and his family of ministers in the area.\u00a0 As they approached me and asked me about my connection to the church, Pastor swooped in and answered in such a way that still brings a smile to my lips.\u00a0” David was a son of Hillcrest and he is dancing with Jesus now.”\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Hearing it phrased that way was such a blessing to me as heaven is our home,death is only the portal to it.\u00a0 David is in heaven and so I when dealing in business areas you may hear me say..”my husband died” but most of the time, I hold to the hope\u00a0of heaven and say ” he passed from death to life, he passed over the threshold, or he is home now……I am not in denial.\u00a0 I know my husband does not walk the earth with me any longer.\u00a0 I am more aware than anyone that he is not here with me.\u00a0\u00a0 My heart hopes though in where he is.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Hold on when the days are the darkest and the cloud weighs heaviest on you.\u00a0 Hold on to the truth of the word of God.\u00a0 If God is silent speak the truth that He has promised to never leave you nor forsake you.\u00a0 Trust what you cannot see which is His presence around you and within you.\u00a0\u00a0 If His presence is so close that it is painfully sweet hold on to it and praise Him for it.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Praise Him in your sorrow, praise Him when it makes no sense to praise Him and you will see how in sorrow you can have a sacred time of worship with God.\u00a0\u00a0 Hold on to the hope that is ours in Christ.\u00a0\u00a0 Be looking for Him….be aware that He sings you a love song that you cannot hear without sorrow or pain in\u00a0 your life.\u00a0 Once you hear that song, it will follow you all the days of your life…..look for Him, He loves you with a passion that no other can, He shares your sorrow like no other can, and only He can lead you out of the Valley, only He can give joy and peace within the Valley, only He can heal.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I felt as if I was having an out of body experience the day David died and that feeling continued for months to come.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The doctor pulled the curtain to the emergency room cubicle where they were working on David and walked across the room to me saying “I’m sorry for you loss” .\u00a0 Others … <\/p>\n